GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN CANCER...My Breast Cancer Journey And Beyond!

Puppies!!

2010-06-22T08:46:00.002-04:00

I have not written in some time because we have been happily busy raising 5 puppies.

Our two shelties, Stradivarius and Mandolyn (Strad and Mandy) had the puppies on May 19th. I can honestly say I am amazed by the dam's instincts when it came to handling the birthing process. She had each puppy in her dog crate and then spent time nursing each one before moving on to the next one. She would carry each puppy over to a kiddie pool we had set up as a bed, drop it in there and then return to her crate to have her next pup for one on one time with the newest born. She has known throughout exactly what to do. How can anyone believe that instinct, creation, the world around us is all one big cosmic accident? It boggles my mind. Intelligent design no doubt exists. For me this is just one more bit of proof (among many) for it. Hope you all are enjoying the summer as much as we are! Lots of love,

Kerry

Empowered!

2010-05-13T17:16:00.004-04:00

Yesterday one of my girls flew past me and dropped something on the counter. "Here's the glove, mom!" she yelled, not skipping a beat and racing out the back door. I was in the middle of cooking dinner and looked over. Then I had to sigh. This was the same glove she had asked me to get for her yesterday. It was a winter glove already packed away in the basement for the season. She wanted to use it to dig in the dirt. I had told her then that she would have to put it up after she used it. Rather than just put the glove back where it belonged, "Here's the glove, Mom," apparently was her way of trying to get me to do it for her. I poked my head out the door (and for what seemed like an eternity) nagged and eventually threatened discipline on her until she finally put it away. Yes it seems like an awfully big deal over a little glove. It would have been SO much easier just to take care of it myself, but it was the principle of the matter. I thought to myself, "What do I need to do to empower my children to take care of their things, to be proactive and think ahead about things. Then I had a revelation.

How much am I (and many people) like that? How often do we not just want to pray and all of our messes, chores, and problems just be cleaned up for us.

That day I had been to the doctor and had a bone density test done. The doctor said I have the bone density of someone in their 50's and a condition called ostepenia which is a precursor to osteoporosis. My hip is the worst area. She said I'd be heading for a hip fracture if I didn't do something soon and she put me on Boniva. Apparently the chemo can really deteriorate your bone quickly. And I have a weakness for diet cokes and my small bone structure just made it all worse. So here I go again, feeling guilty just like I did when I first got diagnosed. It's my fault. I've drunk too much diet coke. Never mind the things I did right like work out all through my cancer treatment. I just saw a nutritionist recently who told me I was eating too much dairy. None of that matters. It's just how it is. I just wanted to throw up my hands and say "Haven't I taken enough pills for a woman not yet 40? Lord knows between the two of us Randy and I have seen 5 doctors just this week. I honestly wanted to pray for the Lord to just magically take it away because I am tired of dealing with all these little problems. I wanted to ask, "Is there some lesson here that I am just not getting? Is there something I should know? What am I doing wrong, Lord? Why won't all these little problems just GO AWAY??!!'

And these are little problems I know. Then you feel guilty for being frustrated by the little problems. As if that will help. NOT. The good news is that the bone loss is reversible. I just need to do something about it. I need to get empowered. So while I am working to get my kids empowered, I am working to get myself empowered too. That's the lesson here. That's the revelation. And how lucky am I to have the chance to do something about it. So the diet coke is being banished from the house. I have to take a pill once a month. The number of workouts per week will have to increase even more. Yet another learning and growing experience in more ways than one. I am SUCH a work in progress, but I know that means He has good plans for me. Lots of love,

Kerry

Bunnies Everywhere- Updated

2010-03-31T13:58:00.002-04:00

Today I am meeting my friend Amanda Gillenwater in a parking lot to hand off to her a bunch of bunnies that I have picked up. Why? It was the wish of a little girl named Samantha. I have mentioned her on the blog before. She battled cancer and went to be with the Lord almost 5 months ago now. It was her wish that bunnies be given during the Easter season to children who are in the hospital and are battling cancer as she did. Here is a link to her web page. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sammiehartsfield. Amanda wanted to do this not only to honor Sammie but to encourage her grieving mother.

And so with a car full of bunnies, we are passing it on. I am constantly amazed by the little things that make such a difference and can touch so many people's lives. So here's to Sammy and all the bunnies being collected in her name.

Update: Amanda contacted me last night and told me that the local Walmart on Millertown Pike had given 100 bunnies to the bunny drive! When we got there this morning there were 125, plus the ones she had donated through friends!!Yeah!! All together (with our four kids/great helpers in tow) we dropped off 200 bunnies to the hospital this morning. Amanda's goal had been 175. The rest will be given to children visiting the ER over the Easter weekend. We'll have pictures to follow. What a blessing this experience was on our hearts. Lots of love,

Kerry

Ouch! Smile! Ouch! Smile!

2010-03-27T11:18:00.003-04:00

This sounds like a weird topic heading for the blog I know but that is how I have been feeling lately.

Things still are going well. I go weekly for my expander fill ups. Laura and Leslie go with me. They hang out in a corner of the room playing their hand held video games while I lie down on a table. There are two nurses (one on either side of me), both holding a big syringe with a long needle. They inject me on both sides simultaneously and I find myself (as I have many times in the past) admiring the lovely ceiling above. The whole experience is rather surreal. I have lost count now on how many times I have had a "fill up."I have had it pretty easy with the expanders and no complications thus far. The expanders can move around alittle and one is partially under my left arm. It is now pressing on the same nerves that bothered me when the cancerous lymph node was still around. It doesn't hurt, just tingles constantly like whenever you bump your funny bone. My chest feels heavy especially when I lie down on my back. It feels like my back muscles must somehow be connected to my chest muscles because I get neck, shoulder and back discomfort every fill up. Please understand I'm not sharing all this to complain.

As I've said time and time again, I have been so fortunate. I guess I just feel it's important to share what it is like, this getting back to "normal" and the way I once was. So that's the "ouch part." It's all part of the journey. And the getting back to normal is the "smile" part. It's knowing the end of it all is in sight. I talked to my doctor about reoccurances last week and told her I'd been worried about lots of aches and pains lately. She said if the cancer comes back it would not be "the achies" but "the ouchies." My ouchies are more like "achies" and I will take those any day. Lots of love,

Kerry

More Young Survivors Conference Pictures

2010-03-09T19:50:00.018-05:00

Here are some more pics from the Young Survivor's Conference I attended in Atlanta. Aren't the women beside me from the Thompson Cancer Young Survivors group all beautiful? Who would have guessed looking at us what we've all been through. What an amazing group of strong women. They are all such a huge source of inspiration to me. God bless the 900 survivors that were at the conference and all the others that are out there!!

Journeys

2010-03-01T20:12:00.014-05:00

I have just returned from the Young Survivor's breast cancer conference in Atlanta and it was truly incredible. I was there with my sister and niece as well as a bunch of sister survivors from the Thompson Cancer support group. Here's a picture of our support group.

The conference was truly a blast...so educational and inspiring. There were more than 900 women there who had felt what I've felt and experienced what I've experienced in the bc battle.

In addition my sister Shannon and niece Heather and I had some adventures around the city of Atlanta. There was a crazy new GPS system to get used to, the Hard Rock Cafe, the Phipps Plaza Mall with $3000 purses in stores like Saks 5th Ave, Versace and Valentino which took window shopping to a new level. There was lots of laughter, lots of hugs, lots of memories made.

At the conference I attended seminars on triple negative bc, clinical trials, and nutrition. All of them were very helpful. I picked up lots of great goodies to give out in my chemo kits. I met two authors, both of them mothers, who have written inspiring books on bc. The first is Lori Sorbo who wrote Eleven Years Later. She has battled 5 different kinds of cancer in the last eleven years. The second book is called A Mommy Can Love You From Anywhere by Jenny Sugg. I picked it up to give to the family of a sister survivor who couldn't make it to the conference.

Sadly I received word today that this member of our Thompson Cancer group just passed away. I first met her at the Women's Expo in March. She amazed me on that day by her spirit and faith. For many months afterward she would encourage us other survivors at our support meetings even in the midst of what she was facing. Here's to Missy B., a sister survivor in the truest sense. Lots of love,

Kerry

Time Marches On

2010-02-19T20:23:00.001-05:00

Hello!

In the last two weeks we have experienced two funerals and a death on each side of the family. They are just another reminder of how precious life is. Time is truly marching on. I used to take it for granted, but I don't anymore. Breast cancer has made me feel old, but I am trying to combat that feeling by eating better, exercising and following through with my weekly reconstruction expander "fill ups."

Through it all Laura and Leslie continue to be real troopers. They have decided the apple cider at the plastic surgeon's office is the best anywhere and don't seem phased by all the needles and injections. The last time one of them complained about a boo boo (that could not been seen with even a microscope) I pointed out the scar crossing half my back. It not only stopped the whining, but they were also quite impressed. I do believe they think I'm as tough as Rambo. I've had some qualms about showing them these things. I have found though that there are alot of life lessons that can be learned from it and that my girls, for their age, are far stronger than I could ever be.

Just this week I have connected with three more breast cancer patients, one of them I believe was a Godincidence.

The middle of last week I decided that my hair has grown out long enough to have a haircut. In the midst of all the sadness we've been dealing with I decided to call the girl who had cut my hair for some 20 years and schedule an appointment. The last time I had seen her was late last January when she had given me a short haircut in anticipation of my first chemo treatment. Well imagine my surprise when she called back and said she had gotten home that evening from a lumpectomy. She too has breast cancer. Of all days to call, that was the day I called. She is doing great, but once again I have experienced a coincidence that I don't believe was a coincidence.

Next weekend my sister Shannon, my niece, and I are headed to Atlanta for a breast cancer conference of young survivors. I have been looking forward to it for a couple months now. Please pray that I can make the most of the opportunity and get lots of great information to pass along to others. Thanks for continuing to cheer me on. Lots of love,

Kerry

The Black Cloud

2010-02-13T13:21:00.005-05:00

Hello!

I always try to focus on the bright side of life, but I would be lying if I said the last few weeks have been easy. Oddly enough the surgery which I mentioned in the last post was really a very minor thing. I have been sore, but that was expected and I was able to resume normal activities within a week or two.

What's been hard is the illness and the loss we have experienced so much recently. My uncle suddenly died a week and a half ago. My whole side of the family went up to Johnson City last weekend for the funeral services. Recently there have been a couple accidents in the family and both of Randy's grandmothers have been seriously ill. One is having pacemaker surgery on Monday and the other is now gravely ill. Sometimes it seems like too much to bear. It feels like there is a black cloud that has descended over us all in the past year, a plague of sorts that just won't go away.

We know these loved ones are saved, but the loss and illnesses are still so very hard.

About a month ago our pastor preached on heaven. He talked about some pretty radical ideas...that heaven might be on a renewed earth and not a spirtual realm...that we might have physical (though new & perfected) bodies....that we might use some of the technology, hobbies and skills we so enjoyed on earth. This was not your stereotypical description of heaven with everyone wearing white robes and strumming harps. Our pastor referenced a book called Heaven by Randy Alcorn. We began reading it about three weeks ago. Randy and I have talked about how that was another Godincidence.

I so long to encourage my children and family members through all of this, but the truth of it is that I am tired...so, so very tired. On top of it all, the back of my neck has been hurting. It is probably just stress-induced, but it has brought those old fears of reoccurance to the forefront again.

I know my uncle is in a better place. I know Randy's Mamaws are being showered in prayer and in God's hands. We are in so many ways so truly blessed. I just really want those clouds to part and the sun to shine through again. Lots of love,
Kerry

Reconstruction Junction aka "Look Out Bionic Woman! Here I Come!"

2010-01-25T10:10:00.007-05:00

Hello dear family and friends!

Tomorrow morning I am having my first reconstructive surgery. I am a little nervous, but also excited. Alot of people I've told about reconstruction automatically assume that it is just breast implant surgery, but it is not. That is a later surgery.

Tomorrow's surgery is the first of three surgeries and the most complicated. The surgeon will take skin and muscle from my back and transplant it over my left chest to "rebuild" it. As I understand it, the radiation and scaring has damaged my original skin. By replacing the skin they can implant a temporary muscle expander which will have to be injected with saline on 6-7 different occassions to fully stretch the skin. I have surfed the net doing research so I know what to expect with the scars when I come out of surgery. It seems a bit morbid I know but it did serve me well last time with the mastectomy and prevented some of the initial shock. Plus I have already had the muscle expander put in on the right side so I know what it feels like and will only have one side affected this go around.

As I picture myself on the operating table one funny thing is I keep having the themes from those 70's shows 'The Six Milion Dollar Man" and "The Bionic Woman" running through my head. Obviously there is no comparison here but it has made me laugh.

Laura and Leslie are up at Aunt Mitzi's house. It is strangely quiet around here and we miss them, but Randy and I are thankful that they are safe, happy and having lots of fun.

I really appreciated everyone's comments about my cancerversary in the last post. I have decided to celebrate it each year by dropping off a care package at the cancer ward where I was treated. It seems like a fitting way to celebrate. I am mailing out two today. One to a bc sister and one to a child with cancer.

It is so nice to be getting on with life. I have become quite the organic eating, vegetable-chopping chef around here. I hope to participate in the Knoxville Covenant Health 5 K coming up late March. We are planning family trips again...looking ahead to the future while still enjoying the moment. Despite the fact that I was diagnosed with cancer and Randy with diabetes this year, I actually have aspirations that I will be "better than I was before....better, stronger, faster." When all this is said and done, maybe I will be healthier. I may be only 5 feet 1 inches tall but every bit of me cries out, "Look out Bionic woman! Here I come!" Lots of love to all,

Kerry

My 1st Cancerversary

2010-01-15T15:54:00.005-05:00

Saturday January 16th is my first cancerversary. It will be a year ago from the day when I was officially diagnosed with breast cancer.

A doctor actually looked me in the eye on January 7th of last year and told me I had it, but I didn't officially get diagnosed until the test results came back on the 16th.

January of last year was truly the most awful month in my life. Ironically, it was also the most miraculous month of my life. It was when things were the worst that I felt God's love and presence the most.

I have a friend whose house burned down a few weeks ago, two days after Christmas. She said whenever she gets frightened or worried about where they are going to live day to day and how they are going to get by she can immediately feel a presence intervene on her behalf. She described it as an invisible hand that comes between her and those dark emotions and holds them back just when she needs it. I thought that was such a beautiful description.
January 16 will always be my cancerversary. I would like to mark it by doing something special and meaningful every year. A few weeks ago I read a story in the newspaper about a woman whose son died long ago. On the anniversary of his death, she goes and visits his favorite park. She's been doing it for 30+ years. I would like my cancerversary to be like that.

Hope the new year is being as good a blessing to you as it is to me. Lots of love,

Kerry

Wanting Justice in a Fallen World

2010-01-06T13:56:00.010-05:00

Last night I couldn't sleep because I was so mad.

We have two toy collies. They are confined to the yard by a pet fence. Monday morning a big German Shepherd wandered onto our property and attacked our 11 pound male named Stradivarius. (Our little dog with the big heart and the big name). Strad is the sweetest dog. He always lets our female Mandy eat first. When the girls were little they used to give him rides in a little doll stroller.

Around 8 a.m. we heard a commotion. When we opened the door Strad bolted inside, bleeding profusely. I saw the other dog leaving our property and heading down the street. He had ripped a hole in Strad's side. As you can imagine this was quite a traumatic sight for Laura and Leslie. I was pretty sure though it was not life-threatening, so I reassured my girls and we rushed Strad to the vet. She confirmed he was the victim of a dog attack. He was kept at the vet's office all day while she gave him anesthesia, performed surgery, implanted a drain and stitched him up.

When we got home around 10 a.m. the dog was still wandering the neighborhood. I called my next door neighbor who also has dogs to warn him about it. I had a very clear description of the dog, including the width and color of his collar. It turned out my neighbor's son had seen that dog wandering around in our yard before dawn and he knew who it belonged to. It belonged to a relative of his who lives on a neighboring street. The dog had chased his sister in law and bitten a total of 3 people in the neighborhood recently. The owner had been ordered by the court to keep the dog on a leash or in a fenced in yard. He had basically boasted to my neighbor that he let the dog out at night anyway because "no one is outside after 10 p.m."

Strad stayed all day at the vet. Following anesthesia and surgery they stitched him up. Fortunately no vital organs were injured. He came home with a drain sticking out of his side and stitches with a scar over 4 inches long covering an one side of his body. He couldn't walk at all for 24 hours. We have thus far had to pay $350 and have at least two more follow up visits to remove the drain and the stitching. I anticipate we'll end up spending at least $500 total.

And the owner's reaction to the news when his relative called him and told him what had happened? He didn't care. In fact he got mad that my neighbor told us who the dog belonged to. I called the police and filled out a police report. The policeman visited the owner and warned him about keeping the dog restrained. Then he told me unless I had witnessed the attack there was nothing he could do. He said next time if the dog ventured onto our property we had the right to defend ourselves and shoot it. And that was the best advice he could give. No consequences for the owner who violated the court order. No restitution. That was it.

My kids are now afraid to go outside. Every time I open the front door I find myself looking anxiously around to make sure that dog isn't around. There are at least three toddlers in our neighborhood. I am concerned for their safety too. My kids are asking me if someone is going to punish that owner or if he is going to pay our vet bills. When I told them I didn't know they said, "We need to call Judge Judy."

Right now all I can tell them is that "what goes around comes around" and "you reap what you sow." It doesn't alleviate the anger but I know it is a true principle. I don't know how some people live with themselves sometimes. At least we can sleep well at night. Now that is a blessing. Lots of love,

Kerry

What I learned through my Breast Cancer Year

2009-12-27T17:47:00.009-05:00

Hello!

As many of you will recall on my first visit to my breast surgeon, she said that 2009was going to be my "breast cancer year." She said it was going to be yucky and rough. I should just write that year off and look ahead to resuming a normal life once the cancer was gone. It is certainly true that 2009 was a stinky year for us. Not only did we deal with my cancer diagnosis, but we had other accidents and medical conditions arise in our family that almost seemed too much to bear in light of what we were already dealing with.

The good news is that all our loved ones are alive and well and that, despite it all, I don't want to just "write off" 2009. Why? Well because there were some good things that happened in 2009 and because I can certainly say I am leaving it a wiser and more spiritually mature person than I was a year ago. Here are several things I learned during my breast cancer year. Some of these I knew anyway but having had cancer (seeing what I saw and experiencing what I experienced) really drove them home. I have to admit that on others of these (sweating the small stuff for example) I am still very much a work in progress, but then if we are really growing spiritally aren't we all?

DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF Did the cake you baked collapse right before the Christmas party? Is the laundry pile taller than you and your to do list a mile long? Sweating the small stuff is not worth it. Do your best. Do what you can when you can and then let it go.

TAKE OFF THOSE BLINDERS! You think you got it bad? Just visit a cancer ward. Read the blog of a child with cancer. There is always someone out there in a worse situation than you are. If you take the time to care, you will see those people in need everywhere.

REMEMBER YOUR BLESSINGS My pastor said this once: Stand in the middle of your house. close your eyes and then reopen them and imagine that everyone and everything around you has a big red bow on it. Everyone and everything in your life is a blessing, a gift on loan from God.

HAPPINESS IS NOT SOMETHING YOU ACHIEVE. IT IS AN ATTITUDE. My Internist told me if I had a good attitude my chances of coming through the fight well were higher. I tell recently diagnosed women that I was able to live a full life on chemo. What I learned from it was that your good days will usually outnumber your bad ones, especially if your attitude is right.

WE ARE ALL DYING. Live a healthy lifestyle so you can feel good about how you have treated your body as a temple of the holy spirit. I have some guilt for being a little overweight, eating alot of processed foods and such. At the same time I know women who did everything right and still got cancer. No one deserves cancer. You cannot be so healthy as to forever avoid cancer. We are all just mortals and the reality is we are all dying. Life is short. Enjoy every moment. Every day you wake up feeling good and can do what you enjoy is a privilege.

BE A PIPE AND NOT A POT. Be a giver not a taker. We all have spiritual gifts. Discover what yours is and then act on it. It will bring joy to your heart. This often means stepping outside of your comfort zone. Solomon asked for wisdom. If I could ask for one gift from God it would be to always know what to say and what to do to encourage another person. I feel ill equipped in that department. Yet I have often found that when those moments arrive, if you are committed to doing something, the words and actions will come to you. Sometimes it is not so much that you say or do just the right thing but that you show you care by DOING SOMETHING.

GOD IS BIGGER. He hears our prayers. Open your eyes and listen. Look for the coincidences that aren't coincidences but spiritual interventions in your life. God is bigger than anything. You are not in this fallen world with its hardships and uncontrollable circumstances by yourself. He is with you. Accept him as your Savior now because you can't do life on your own.

For the first time I am truly thrilled that a year in my life is over. Randy and I have always been "watch the ball drop" sort of people on New Years. This year we really mean to celebrate the New Year. It is afterall such a gift. Blessings to you all for the New Year! Lots of love,

Kerry

Merry Christmas to All!!

2009-12-24T10:55:00.004-05:00

It's Christmas Eve! Last night our family drove around town in our p.j.'s and looked at Christmas lights. I have been wanting to do it for years and we finally got to do it. It was so much fun. We then stopped at Starbucks for some of their decadent hot chocolate. This morning we have been baking up a storm. Laura and Leslie are filled with anticipation about what Santa will bring. (I am hoping for some sleep tonight but am not counting on it) ;). Last year the girls started waking us up every hour at 1 a.m. and we gave up around 5 a.m. I have a feeling we won't make it that long this year. What a blessing it is to be here able to enjoy Christmas.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

And most of all, Happy Birthday Jesus!!

Lots of love,

Kerry

Why God Gave Me Great Sisters

2009-12-17T09:03:00.016-05:00

Hello!

Yesterday out of the blue I had a question pop into my head. "Why did God give me my sisters?"

God has given me two of the best women in the world as my sisters. God has also given me alot of wonderful spirit sisters, women who I have connected with who prayed for me and cheered me on in my fight. I believe God brought these women into my life for lots of reasons. One reason I believe was to show me how to be a "spirit sister" to others. One way I do this is to follow the stories of these remarkable women and pray for them daily. Many have links on the side of my page. Others I follow on caringbridge.

There are two whose links I want to share with you today. The first is Emily, a young mom earning her PhD with a fantastic fighting spirit. www.emesurvivor.wordpress.com The second is Sarah, an amazing 24 year old with awesome faith. www.sarahkathryndavis.blogspot.com

Please pray for them and lift them up in the fight. Lots of love,

Kerry

The Best Christmas Ever

2009-12-05T14:47:00.017-05:00

Hello!

It feels good to post again. It has been way too long. Thanksgiving, Leslie's birthday as well as end of the semester school projects and activities have kept me busy.

I have actually been dreading the Christmas season a little bit this time around. I was diagnosed last year a few weeks after Christmas. The onset of the cold weather has reminded me of the last time I felt cold when I was in the midst of all my chemo trips. I know it is silly really but it makes it hard to get in the "Christmas spirit."

As we were putting up the tree last weekend it struck me how differently I view the world now than I did last Christmas. It seems like I was somewhat naive back then, plugging through the holidays with blinders on while the whole time I knew I had a big lump under my arm. Never once at that time did it ever even cross my mind that it was cancer. I knew cancer could happen to me. I knew bad things could happen, but I was just too busy to even stop and think about it. I am certainly not that way now. Every odd or unexpected pain now makes me wonder. It never did before. And so it has been hard lately to feel much Christmas cheer.

All of that changed today though when we experienced our first snowfall. It wasn't a particularly large snowfall, maybe and inch or two, but the snow was perfect for lots of family fun. We were all out this morning building a snowman. It was the coolest one ever I might add thanks to perfect conditions and a snowman kit (which was a Christmas present from my sister's family three years ago) that we were finally able to use to its fullest. The snowman had two faces, one in the front that we could see from our house window and one in the back close to the road for cars driving by to see. We had so much fun. When we finally came inside for some hot cholocate Leslie said, "This is going to be the best Christmas ever." And she is so right. As usual I was letting myself dwell on my cancer past and all the negative aspects of the season...all the hustle, bustle and work. But this morning I got a reminder of just how lucky I am. I get to experience it all...writing out all those Christmas cards, the packed shopping malls, the wrapping, the baking, the feasting and most especially celebrating the birth of our blessed Lord and Savior. I am constantly amazed at how my kids help me put things into perspective sometimes. So come Christmas! Come! Merry Christmas everyone! Lots of love,

Kerry

More Race for the Cure Pictures!!

2009-11-15T16:53:00.007-05:00

Here are some pictures from Race For the Cure 2009! Many thanks to Amanda Gillenwater for taking the great shots!! Way to go team!!

This Little Light of Mine...

2009-11-10T19:51:00.005-05:00

Kelly, sister survivors Sandy and Kerry
Race For the Cure
Knoxville, TN
Oct 24, 2009

Hello!

I can't believe it has been two weeks since my last post! The picture above is the first of many I hope to have in the coming week from Race for the Cure. It was such a special day and I feel as if I am still glowing from it.

Many of you remember my nurse friend Julie from St Marys. She has set up a breast cancer survivors support group at the hospital. I had the pleasure of sharing my story along with many of the Godinicideces I have experienced at the first meeting.

The list of women facing breast cancer that I have met continues to grow. I met four new ones today at a Look Good Feel Better seminar I attended with my sister survivor friend Sandy. I cannot tell you now how often as I am out and about I see women with bandanas or hats on their heads and I wonder to myself if they are also sister survivors. I am sure they were always there before. The sad truth is my eyes and my heart have truly been opened to them. I pray for about 15 people a day with cancer. Some are breast cancer patients. Others are children who I have come to know with cancer. Each story is different but the heart-tugging emotions are so similar.

I am currently beginning to look into reconstructive surgery. It looks now like the plastic surgeon will take a skin graft from my back (behind my left shoulder) and add a tissue expander. This means I will have to go through stretching on the left just as I did on the right and an additional surgery. I remember several months ago my surgeon telling me not to focus on the number of surgeries but the light at the end of the tunnel. I could see it then and it is even brighter now. I feel like I have my own little light now. I am trying to let it shine brightly in the midst of the darkness that is cancer. Lots of love,

Kerry

Pink Sunshine

2009-10-24T18:03:00.012-04:00

Hello family and friends!

I have lots of pictures to post. I hope to have them up later in the week. You see this has been a busy week. With October being breast cancer awareness month, I have been very involved raising money for the cause and getting the word out about prevention and early detection.

Tuesday I had the pleasure of speaking to Pep Moms. I got to share with them about 5 of the many amazing Godincidences that I experienced after my diagnosis. I felt like I had come full circle since they had so welcomed and encouraged me right after my diagnosis at the winter retreat last February. There was terrific girl named Crystal I have come to know from Mercy Health Systems that went over everything they needed to know about monthly exams and prevention. They gave me a standing ovation celebrating the end of my treatments which warmed my heart very much.

On Thursday I attended a Pink Ribbon Celebration dinner put on by Mercy. I served as a volunteer, decorating a table with my friend Whitney and sister Mitzi. I made some placemats out of scrapbook material and we used an inspiration theme. I left an inspirational book for each to take home. Throughout the night I got to meet with a room full of breast cancer survivors and their medical caregivers. I sat next to a woman named Martha who was a 35 year survivor and the sister of the survivor who had inspired the event. I got lots of hugs from the nurses I have come to know and one of my doctors who has been such an encouragement to me. It was a special night that I won't soon forget.

On Friday several terrific students at coop presented me with a poster they had made just for me. Everyone at coop had signed it. It was something they had come up with and made on their own. I am constantly amazed by the faith and the prayers of young people I meet there. The sign and all of its personal messages were absolutely beautiful and it will always be something I treasure.

The timing of the sign was the perfect send off for the next big event which topped off the week, the Race for the Cure. Our God is Bigger Than Cancer Team ended up being about 50 people strong! It was made up of family, friends from Pep Moms, from coop, from church as well as two courageous fellow survivors and their families. Adding together registration fees and donations, we raised about $3000 toward the cure for breast cancer! Yeah!!! It was such a joy to walk with them all. There were over 12,000 people present. It was a sea of pink.

Right before the finish line my friend Amanda snapped a picture and then I was separated from all the other walkers down a "survivor" lane. There the entire UT vols basketball and track teams were on hand and gave me high fives as I crossed the finish line. Other young people passed out a rose to the survivors. As I got to the very end a youth leader from my church working as a volunteer handed me a second rose. That was such a pleasant surprise. I had to cry, but it was tears of such happiness. It may have been a overcast but Race for the Cure was indeed the "happy day in the sun" I had looked forward to. Thank so much to everyone on the team who made it all possible and all the supporters who prayed for us and donated.

On grocery store labels, on shirts I see, at all the events I have been to it is pink, pink everywhere. It does my heart good. it gives me hope that a cure is not so far away and that if not me perhaps my daughters will someday see a day without breast cancer. Lots of love,

Kerry

Update on the Avon Walk

2009-10-18T21:11:00.006-04:00

Hello!

Several of you have been asking for details on how Brooke Estrada's Avon Walk for breast cancer went last June. I have received a letter from her detailing all the wonderful things that happened during her preparation for the walk and over the course of that weekend. I am excited to share it with you. Enjoy!

My Avon Walk with God by Brooke Estrada

Inspiration is Just around the Corner

Several months before the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer took place in Colorado on June 27th and 28th, I was experiencing a severe lack of motivation. First, my walking partner from last year announced that she would be unable to participate in this year’s walk. To make matters worse, the poor economy had affected most of my friends and family very negatively. Several sponsors from last year were now unemployed, which discouraged me from asking for their support this year.
As you can imagine, I became discouraged with the whole situation; I was without a partner for the walk and almost everyone I knew was broke. For weeks, I was doing a lot of soul-searching in order to re-ignite my passion for fighting breast cancer; it seemed my flame had gone out.

Then, in February of this year – with the help of my weekly women’s bible study – I realized that I was looking inward for something that could only be found upward. I had been looking at this year’s Avon Walk as a duty instead of a labor of love, but the love that I possessed within myself was so limited. So, I decided to pray for God to give me His heart and help me love others the way he does. As long as I was doing this for God’s people with love in my heart, I could shine the light of Jesus Christ into the lives of those who had been directly impacted by breast cancer, giving them new hope.

With that, I started searching for an inspiring t-shirt that I could wear as I trained, so that everyone would know what I was doing and why. It proved very frustrating to find a faith-based t-shirt with the right message. I’ve seen my share of “inspirational” mottos throughout these breast cancer rallies, but none of them really spoke of the hope and strength that only comes from God. Slogans like “I Fight like A Girl”, “Think Pink” “Hope” and “Cancer Sucks” were cute yet lacking originality and depth. After several mind-numbing hours of searching, I stumbled upon the perfect t-shirt. Upon it was written, “GOD – So Much Bigger than Cancer”. It said the exact message I was trying to bring to the people: no matter what kind of hardship you are enduring, God is in control and He will bring you through it.

I excitedly followed the link to what I thought would be an online super-store where I could indulge in all of my Jesus-freak paraphernalia, but instead it was a blog written by a woman recently diagnosed with breast cancer. Her name is Kerry Osborne and since the day I discovered her uplifting t-shirt, I have followed her amazing breast cancer journey through her online diary. After reading all of Kerry’s blog entries that day I decided to write her an e-mail, expressing my thanks and support for her mission. I was so moved by her courage through Christ; it both humbled and inspired me. If a person amidst the battle for their life could stare adversity in the face and say “God is bigger than you”, then I could certainly do the same! God had sent me a message through Kerry: “He is Bigger than Cancer” and it was now my turn to pass it on.

Defeating Doubt with Faith

Days went by and turned into weeks and as the weeks passed I could feel myself slipping again. I was short of sponsors and I was worried I wouldn’t be able to come up with the money to participate in the Avon Walk. I continued to train and solicit my friends and family for donations, but I was so uncomfortable about asking people to spare money they likely didn’t have for a cause they probably didn’t care about. I started to pray; asking God if He really wanted me to go to Colorado. He didn’t say anything. So then I started wondering if this was God’s will or mine? For weeks and weeks God was quiet about the walk and I kept asking him if this was the right think to do. With 4 weeks before the event, I had resolved that if God really wanted me to go on this walk in Colorado, He would allow me to raise $720 more in order to reach my minimum goal. Two days later I spoke to my dear friend Deana Campbell, who informed me that she and her husband Steve decided to donate the remaining $720! I was flabbergasted! Deana and Steve had already donated $500 earlier that year which meant that they had contributed nearly 70% of my total needed funds. However, even with the minimum fundraising goal being met, I was still having doubts. For those remaining 4 weeks, I searched God’s Word and found great reassurance recited this prayer, daily: “Father God, I don’t know what you have planned for the Avon Walk. I just pray that whatever happens, it will bring glory to you. While I am in Colorado, please show me someone who needs to hear from you. Fill me with your Spirit that I may have words of love and encouragement for them; entrust me to be your hands and feet”. I didn’t know what would happen after that, I just knew I had to keep on praying and believing that great things would happen.

“Somewhere, Somebody Needs a Reason to Believe” – Britt Nicole

I arrived in Denver on Thursday, June 25th and stayed the night with my friends Yvette and Phil. The next morning, Yvette dropped me off downtown to catch a shuttle to Keystone, where the event would begin, some 90 miles from Denver. As I waited for the bus, a smiling woman with 2 braids and a silly sun-hat approached me and asked if I was waiting for the Avon shuttle too. Her name was Amy; a weather forecaster in the Air National Guard, who was walking in honor of her grandmother; a breast cancer survivor. We boarded the bus when it arrived and talked almost the entire ride to Keystone. Once we got off the bus, we were like old friends on a weekend adventure. We checked in at the event and into our respective hotels, before meeting up for an early dinner at a steakhouse located in her hotel. After dinner, it was too late to walk around outside, but too early too sleep. We hung out in her hotel room, sitting on opposite ends of a small couch, talking about how the paths of our youth had brought us to our current, respective lifestyles.
When the time had come to explain how I ended up in Las Vegas where I currently reside, the words just started falling out of my mouth. I began telling Amy about my gradual slip into spiritual darkness in my early twenties. I told her that I’d managed to claw myself back onto my feet, but it wasn’t until I established a sold foundation of faith in Jesus Christ that my life began to take on real purpose. I then started telling Amy about my new life in Christ. I could feel the energy in the room rise, as my tale transitioned from one of desperation and hopelessness, to the account of my re-birth. I spoke of the many amazing things God had done in my life and how I have come to love Him so deeply.

I didn’t realize it, but I had been sharing my testimony for the first time, nonetheless to a woman I scarcely knew. When I looked across the couch at Amy’s face, I was surprised to see her eyes streaming with tears but her face was filled with joy. She said, “I feel like this trip has nothing to do with breast cancer; I think I was supposed to find you.” Amy went on to describe her own spiritual emptiness to me. She admitted that she had always been a “very cerebral” person, needing an explanation for everything. Even though, she couldn’t explain God, she knew he existed. I remembered something my friend Teresa said, “I don’t want a God I can explain because that would make him so small”. Amy confessed that although she had not endured severe hardships in her life like some and had been blessed many times over, she always felt something was missing in her life. I remembered having that same “God-shaped hole” before I came to know Christ and really understood where she was coming from. We conversed late into the night and at the end of our long chat, she expressed how unburdened she felt; no longer a slave to her anger and past hurts. Amy said, “Meeting and talking with you has been an answer to a prayer I never spoke”. I know it’s because God knows our hearts; He knows every prayer before we speak it. I am so humbled that God used me to answer that prayer and I am thankful that he answered my prayer for that weekend, too.

Amy and I walked the whole 26.2 miles side-by-side; it was definitely a weekend that we will both remember for years to come. We still keep in touch and I am ecstatic to announce that she is actively pursuing her relationship with Jesus! Amen!

Cyber Cancer Connections

2009-10-10T22:51:00.007-04:00

Hello dear family and friends!

The last few months I have begun connecting with cancer patients all over America. This has been a huge blessing to me. I follow the blogs of several other women who have been impacted by cancer. They are all ages and stages and their words have been a tremendous encouragement to me. Some of those sites I am now listing on my blog page.

Through the Tshirt ministry, I have also become aware of 5 children battling cancer. I follow their caringbridge sites faithfully. I am involved right now in doing care packages for two of them and grieving the loss of one of them who just died yesterday. Her name was Sammie. She was a young girl I never met who lived on the other side of the country, yet her story has touched me deeply. I know she is in heaven now and I feel such sadness for her family.

I cannot tell you how often I have read posts from the other women survivors or the families of these children battling cancer and just cried. Cancer is so cruel.

I pray for all of these cyber cancer connections daily. Even though they are people I have never met I am constantly amazed by their strong faith and their courage in the face of adversity. God bless them all. Lots of love,

Kerry

Getting Involved & Being One Busy Pipe!

2009-10-04T18:37:00.009-04:00

Now that my treatments are two weeks behind me I am now really looking forward to passing on all the many blessings that so many of you out there have given to me.

I pray daily for 8 other breast cancer patients that I know or have connected with online. Two of them were in the hospital last week and I was able to check in with the physician about one and visit the other. It has meant a great deal to me cheering on these women who are a few months in their treatment behind me.

Last Wednesday night Laura, Leslie and I went to a breast cancer tree lighting ceremony at St Mary's, the hospital where I was diagnosed. They gave me a special ornament with my name on it and placed a single jewel on it indicating my 1st year as a cancer survivor. I met another woman there who had 28 jewels on her ornament. That was such an encouragement to me. Laura and Leslie placed my ornament on the tree in the hospital lobby. The ornament was one among hundreds in honor of the survivors diagnosed at that hospital who were in the audience or who had passed on. The first physician I saw after my initial diagnosis spoke. She talked about how many of her patients have told her that oddly enough they now see their breast cancer as a blessing. It had opened their eyes to a new clarity about life, a new appreciation. It made me smile. I can't honestly say I see all of this as a blessing but I can truly say I have seen many good things come from it. There was a brief ceremony. Laura won a door prize. It was flower arrangement in a pink vase with the breast cancer symbol on it. You should have seen her face when she presented it to me. Precious. After a brief ceremony, we went outside to see a second Christmas tree atop the hospital lit all in pink. They even had a fountain outside the hospital flowing with pink water.

St Mary's is hosting a banquet at the end of the month to celebrate survivors and raise $ for a cure. I have joined a committee to decorate tables for the event. Many of you will remember Julie, the wonderful nurse who reached out to me the day of my biopsy and helped me give out so many shirts. Early on in my chemo I would give her info about another cancer support group but it never seemed to meet the first few months within my diagnosis. I told her at the time how much I missed not participating in a group like that. Julie is now starting a support group that she says was inspired by me called Mercy's Women of Courage and Healing. She has asked me and a few other women to come and give our testimonials at the event. It is also at the end of the month.

And of course there is the Race for the Cure on October 24th. When I started the team I was hoping to have about 10-20 people join me on the big day. My team is now up to almost 30 people! We have raised close to $300 in donations and about $1000 overall if you consider our registration fees. Who-hoooo!!

And so my post breast cancer life is keeping me busy in some wonderful ways. I hope all of you that have prayed and supported me and my family these past 10 months can read this and smile knowing that your goodness is being passed on.

If you'd like to join our Race for the Cure team, make a donation to it or just check out our team page, here is a link. http://komenknoxville.donordrive.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=event.team&eventID=506&participantID=1302

If you are a local survivor and would like more info about events coming up in the Knoxville area, please email me or post your information under comments.

Many of you remember my post about being a pipe (giver) versus a pot (taker). It is such a joy to feel the blessings flow through me onto others. So many of them started out there with each of you. So lots of love to all my pipes out there,

Kerry

Dancing Inside & Out

2009-09-24T20:19:00.014-04:00

Angie and me
"Sister Survivors"
Survivor's Luncheon 2009

Hello everyone!

Guess what? I had no doctor's appointments this week. None! No temperature or blood pressure checks. No weigh ins. No baggy, drafty hospital gowns. I've had my first week cancer treatment free! It feels so wonderful!

It feels as though I am dancing inside.

I am still a little sunburned from the radiation but it is getting better. I am currently sporting lots of shrugs. It is a great fashion accessory for breast cancer patients I must say. Whenever someone comments on my new spiky hair look I am quite proud to credit it to my "Short and Sexy Hair Gel." It gets me lots of laughs. Yes that really is the brand name. Being that I am a short person as well I like to think the whole look goes beyond the hair gel. Now all I need to do is wear my diva sunglasses and hair gel at the same time. I just don't know if the world out there is ready for all that "divaness" yet.

I guess the only thing that has surprised me this week is that I've felt a little overwhelmed getting back to the routine. You'd think it would be easy and it is for the most part. It's just the things that I've put off for a while I feel like I now have to pick back up as though nothing has happened. Suddenly I expect myself to be back 100%. It is silly I know and I am getting back into the old "normal" life happily now one day at a time.

Last Friday Randy and I went to a survivor's luncheon. The speaker was Dr. Farris Jordan, a psychologist. He was hilarious. He talked about how the best way to battle bad news is to have a great attitude.

He said whenever people deliver him bad news in his office now they do it with a funny dance and everyone automatically handles it so much better. For example, the secretary might say "The computer is broken" while doing the hokie pokie. We have started doing the dance at our house too. Randy was taking the trash out last week and commented on how yucky it was while "getting down." You should have seen my kids' faces when I said "Lucky you, you have a math test today" while doing a "staying alive" dance move. (Unfortunately the joke was lost on them!)

At the survivor's luncheon I had the privilege of sitting with two friends and former coworkers, Whitney and Amy. I also got to see Angie (my Cancer Vixen reading buddy), give her a shirt and get our picture made together.

For 5 months now I have been corresponding with a survivor I met through a relative via Facebook. She got diagnosed about four months after I did. I watched her go through the same treatments I did right after me rooting her on the whole way. Friday I got to meet her face to face for the first time and give her a box with items to help her through her upcoming surgery. All of this gave me such joy.

This week I heard the song "I Hope you Dance" on the radio. I remember first hearing that song when I was pregnant with Laura. At that time I remember having such hopes for that first child, such dreams and wishes. I will always associate that song with her. It is interesting to hear it now after battling cancer. It truly captures how every moment is precious and how life (good and bad) is best faced with, as that speaker put it, a happy dance. Hope you are dancing too. Lots of love,

Kerry

Radiation Graduation!! GOD is SO Good Ya'll!!

2009-09-17T17:40:00.024-04:00

Hello dear friends and family!

Today I had my LAST radiation treatment. Yeah!! I am now officially done with all of my treatments! Whoo-hooo!!

It was a very special day for me. I have to be honest though and say that I did the oddest thing on the way to the hospital. I found myself crying the whole way. Not from joy but from sorrow.

One reason for this was because I started thinking about the future. What would my life be like now AFTER cancer? I had already had my last weekly visit with the Radiation Oncologist on Tuesday. I asked him at the time how I needed to proactively monitor myself from this time forward. Should I have regular scans? Should I pay close attentioin to the tumor marker blood tests? What should I do?

His answer to me was more complicated than I expected. He said tumor markers don't work with all people. He also said some insurance companies won't pay for scans unless you have an outright symptom. His best advice was to know what was normal for my body and to know my Medical Oncologist. Fortuately he told me I have a top-notch Medical Oncologist (which I already knew).

He told me that one of his patients right now probably has about 3-4 weeks to live because of her metastacized cancer. She did not have breast cancer and initially went somewhere out of state. Her doctor there put her through all these tests which were not necessary in her case (like a mammogram) because he owned the equipment (and could make lots of $$). That doctor emphasized that her mammogram was clear without leveling with her about what she was up against. She had not been told the whole truth. And the truth in my case was he didn't know how my cancer would be monitored. He said sometimes as a doctor that is the hardest thing to tell a patient that "You don't know." He did say though that my Oncologist was a good doctor and would do everything she could to keep a close eye on me. This was both very comforting and very sobering to me.

Laura and Leslie heard every word of this and as we left that day Laura suggested we pray for this woman with a few weeks left to live, whoever she was. I was proud of Laura for thinking of it. We prayed for the woman in our car that morning. It prompted lots of questions about life, about death, about heaven and we talked about it all the whole way home.

That was on Tuesday. Today was Thursday. All of this was on my mind as I drove myself to the hospital for my last treatment.

Also on my mind was the fact that I would have to say goodbye to all the special people I saw every day at the treatment center...everyone from the techs, to the fellow patients to the parking attendent.

I was especially sad because I was told by a tech on Monday that Herbert had to take a break from his treatments and would not be in the rest of the week. I thought I might never see him and Virginia again.

What a pleasant surprise it was when I walked into the hospital and saw them both!

After my treatment I talked with Virginia in the waiting room more about Herbert. She told me that he was diagnosed in March. The cancer had started at his ear and progressed to his throat and lung. He has a circular button on his neck he always has to push whenever he speaks. Virginia told me he'd lost lots of weight and was having trouble eating. They were giving him 7 Ensures a day. She also told me that her daughter who lived several hours away has a lung disease and she is worried about her. She said as long as she "had breath in her body and gas in her car," she'd keep bringing Herbert for his treatments. I thought that was a beautiful statment. Many times when I've seen her Virginia would say, "Isn't God good?" with a big smile on her face. I always cheerfully agreed but today it made me stop and think about it further. I was always saying how good He was in the midst of good news. Ever since my diagnosis my news got better and better. Here she is able to say it even in the hardest of times. I admire her greatly. Now THAT is faith!

I was able to give Herbert and Connie each a GOD IS BIGGER THAN CANCER shirt. That meant so much to me. There were lots of hugs. The techs gave me a radiation graduation certificate. In the waiting room I collected my last cookie on my last cookie day. Boy did that ever taste SWEET!

I came to my last day of radiation with tears of sorrow and left with such joy. As I pulled off in my car I was touched that the parking attendent (who waved at us every morning) remembered it was my last day. I proudly showed him my radiation graduation certificate and he was quite impressed. (Yes, Evie I too made friends with the parking attendent).

And so ends my cancer treatments. I will still have at least 3 (maybe 4) surgeries but the battle waged against the cancer is now over. I hope it will be my last. It doesn't mean that cancer is out of my life for good now. No matter what happens in the future, cancer will always be a part of my life.

Please pray for Connie, for Virginia and her daughter, for Herbert and for that woman the doctor spoke about who is dying of cancer.

Please remember most that "God is so good." I have been a witness that it is true in the best and in the worst of times. Lots of love,

Kerry

Tolerable and Temporary

2009-09-08T21:14:00.016-04:00

Hello friends and family!

I am now 6 treatments away from completing my radiation therapy! Yeah!! The skin under my arm is black with blisters and I am very red all over my left chest. I am uncomfortable but as I told my doctor today it is all "tolerable and temporary."

When I go to radiation I see the same people. There is Virginia and Herbert who told me about "cookie day" and another breast cancer patient named Connie. We always chat and I enjoy seeing them and the same technicians every day.

Laura has taken to carrying a blanket with her into the hospital. Coats in her view are overrated. Today she and Leslie walked around with it over their heads. Leslie paraded behind Laura her body totally covered except for her feet. It looked like they were part of a huge animal costume. They turned a lot of heads but the onlookers always smiled. Anytime I go to my treatment and they aren't with me strangers come up and ask me where they are at and how they are doing. Guess we must turn a lot of heads (and make a lot of smiles I hope).

Today I met someone new. His name was Will and he has lung cancer. He looked to be in his 80's. He had just finished his radiation treatment and was lying on a stretcher waiting for someone to take him up to his hospital room. He said he'd been married 60 years to the same woman. He joked about how he'd put up with her for all that time (and how his lucky wife hadn't put up with anything). I thought it was very sweet when he said he didn't know what he'd do without his wife or she without him. He asked my name and I told him. He said he'd known another Kerry when he was young in World War II. He said that other Kerry had died on a Pacific island fighting the Japanese all those years ago. That was sobering to me. It made me wonder what all he'd seen in his life. He also told me he was about to start chemo. I told him he would love the nurses in the chemo hut. I said you get to eat ice cream, hang out in a recliner, take a nap and watch TV. He said he couldn't wait to get started.

Just like Virginia, Connie & Herbert he never once lost his humor or his smile. I really admire the spirit of the people I see at radiation every day. They don't complain even when you can tell they are hurting. They just smile and keep going.

Today I also saw a Physical Therapist. I went for an educational session about how to avoid getting lymphadema which is a backing up of the lymphatic fluid in the arm (and therefore a swelling of the arm itself). Because I have had my lymph nodes removed I am at higher risk for it, although the risk is about 25%. The therapist showed me pictures of people who'd had it, some in their legs as well as arms. (It all depends on where your lymph nodes have been removed). I was shocked by the severity of the swelling. Apparently all sorts of things can set it off: heat, mosquito bites, injury to my left arm, a cut, a change in pressure. I have been told now to avoid saunas and shaving with a regular razor under my arm among other things. I cannot have my blood pressure or skin pricked on my left side. I was told to buy a special sleeve if I ever go flying in an airplane or in case the lymphadema ever starts.

One of the things the other radiation patients, the technicians and I often joke about are the floppy hospital gowns we have to wear. Those immodest little things have become a part of my radiation routine. It has fondly brought to my mind a poem called "The Hospital Gown" written by my grandmother Mamma B. It was found after her death in a niche by her easy chair. She passed away from breast cancer in 1989 when I was 18. I think it captures the indignity but necessity (the tolerable and the temporary) of that aspect of the journey. And when you think about it, if Jesus is in your heart and you're going to heaven, it helps everything seems a little more tolerable and temporary.

The Hospital Gown
By Bertha Hutchison Booth

Provided with a smile, I wore it with a frown.
Tied in back like a bib, split all the way down;
So skinny and short,it won't go around
That horrible, hazardous hospital gown.

No buttons to button- no zippers to zip-
Tall, short, fat, thin- all it must fit.
Not even a pocket for hankie or pen,
I hereby declare it a crime against men.
That horrible, humiliating hospital gown.

Now Doc says I'm better- I walk down the hall.
Wearing pajamas and robe- pants, pockets and all.
I'll soon be dismissed and, when out on the town,
I'll praise those who provided with expert renown,
That horrible humanizing hospital gown.

Hope whatever you are putting up with is tolerable and temporary too. Lots of love,

Vanity...The First Thing to Go

2009-09-02T21:27:00.018-04:00

Hello!

I am now half way through with my 5th week of radiation. All is still going well although I can really feel it now. I am totally red on the left side of my chest. It feels like a sunburn and is most uncomfortable under my arm. Sometimes I catch myself walking with my left arm sticking out funny to prevent the friction of skin on skin in my armpit. The doctor said I had 5 more treatments in that area but they are going to postpone them a few days to give that area some time to recover. They have been treating the clavical area of lymph nodes below my neck as well. Starting tomorrow they will also be concentrating the radiation on my masectomy scar. I have 10 more treatments to go. I can no longer wear a bra because of the discomfort.

I remain in a state of menopause. The doctor said I may not know for 6 months whether this will be permanent or not. The past month I have noticed lots of fuzzy hair all over my face. It is even all over my nose. A couple people have commented on it. Randy and I joke that I'm so hairy "the moon must be full" like I'm a werewolf or something. We just laugh about it. I suppose this is due to the drop in hormones. After months of no hair it seems a little bizarre.

Yesterday I saw an interview with Michael J. Fox on Oprah. He was talking about Parkinson's Disease and how it makes him constantly shake. He said after his diagnosis that "Vanity was the first thing to go" and that now he doesn't care so much about what he looks like or how people perceive his physical appearance. I find myself now trotting daily through UT hospital with my very short hair, an uneven chest, fuzzy face and false eyelashes (that have been known to pop off unexpectedly from time to time) without much thought about my appearance. I have laid on the radiation table so many times now with my chest scars exposed that I don't flinch at all when three technicians stand over me lining up the crosshairs for my daily radiation treatment. It has all become a strange sort of routine. It is a bit freeing really.

That's not to say though that it doesn't bother me at all. I see people look at me differently sometimes. I've had several women just come up to me recently and start talking about how they are survivors too. They don't even ask if I have breast cancer. I guess they just know it on sight. One time I even had one woman start showing me her masectomy scar in the middle of a retail store. It guess those scars can be a strange source of pride, really. Like a soldier showing his battle wounds it means you are a survivor in the truest sense of the word. I am fortunate that the scars from my breast cancer are temporary. The shakiness from Parkinsons is not. The lesson learned however is the same. I knew I was not defined by my physical appearance, but sometimes (with so much of my life revolving around my treatments) cancer starts seeming like that is my life. You're poked, prodded, stuck with needles and people stare at your scars all the time. Cancer is very humbling and none of it (except your attitude) can you control. We are not defined by our adversity though. We are so much more.

Last week I saw my Internist. He said in 35 years of family practice he had never seen a cancer like mine. At first I was left to wonder if this was a compliment (reminiscent of the remark of how I was "perfect" for chemo). According to the pathology report my sentinel lymph node was the only one with any sign of cancer and singlehandely soaked it all up by itself. (Way to go Sponge Bob!)He said if it hadn't been for my dislocated shoulder and the size of that gygantor lymph node that we may not have discovered the cancer. I had always thought of the shoulder accident as a "red herring" that kept me from diagnosing the cancer sooner.

So I guess it's just all in how you look at things. Vanity is indeed the first thing to go. And what's left is a new sort of self assurance, a new sort of self worth that confirms that who you are is so much more than what people perceive you are or any hardship you are going through. Michael J. Fox put it this way. He is much more than Parkinsons but Parkinson disease has helped define him. It has brought new people into his life and caused him to make new choices that he otherwise never would have made.

I Corinthians 2:7 says "...we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began. None of the rulers of this age understood it, for if they had, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory. However, as it is written: 'No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.'"

No matter what stumbling blocks we may be facing big or small, God sees the big picture. He sees the true essence of who we are and where we all fall in His master plan. Doesn't it do your heart good to know that? Lots of love,

Kerry

These Feet are Made for Walking!

2009-08-22T18:22:00.144-04:00

Hello dear friends and family!

This is probably going to be my most controversial post. I hate controversy. I avoid it like the plague in fact, but when I started writing this blog I promised myself and others to be honest about the experience. So I am just going to lay it all out there. Cancer should unite us, not divide us. Yet last week I found myself psychologically torn in two.

First a quick update. I am still doing well physically & emotionally. My skin is slightly red from radiation and when I stretch my left arm I can feel some stinging beneath the skin but still nothing major. Randy, Laura and Leslie are doing well. Saturday was "kid's day" at our house. We went to the zoo, played arcade games and ate pizza at Mr. Gatti's. According to my kids it was "the best kid's day ever," which was absolutely priceless.

Now let's dive into the mental wrestling match I've been having all week. Ever since I was diagnosed I have wanted to do something..anything to help others with breast cancer. Hence the Tshirt ministry was born. One of the first things I looked forward to doing with the ministry way back in January was Race For the Cure, walking side by side with dozens of us in our "God is bigger than cancer" shirts. To me it wasn't so much about the money (although raising money for breast cancer is huge) it was about the witness to others. From a selfish standpoint it was also about being with friends, loved ones and a sea of other breast cancer survivors...my happy victorious day in the sun, showing the world that GOD IS BIGGER THAN BREAST CANCER.

Okay, now to the sticky part. No matter what side you fall on in the abortion debate, please hear me out.

A good friend of mine informed me last week that the Komen foundation (which oversees the race) supports planned parenthood. Both of us did some research and discovered that a couple affiliate offices of Komen (usually in rural areas) are giving planned parenthood $ for breast health screenings. The concern out there is that once they receive the $ planned parenthood can do whatever it wants with it, even funding abortions.

There is a video out there that says women who have had abortions are at an increased risk for breast cancer. Another concern it voices is that by giving $ to planned parenthood (which does abortions) Komen is in fact promoting breast cancer, not defeating it. Here is a link to the video http://www.lifeissues.org:80/AbortionBreastcancer/komen/index.htm

I had never heard of abortion as a risk factor before. What I do know is that there are several risk factors, some you can control and some you can't. And even if you live the perfect lifestyle, you can still get cancer. As I watched the video I winced because abortion was the only risk factor it focused on. I understand why the producers focused on it. They felt like women had a right to know and the issue was under reported. Still I had to wonder if I'd had an abortion how would I have felt watching it? With them reasoning that Komen is somewhat "responsible" for breast cancer what is the inference then about the woman herself? It's not so much what the video was saying. It was what I was FEELING. I have long wondered if people ever think to themselves, "Why she's 20 pounds overweight. She asked for her cancer." I know people aren't really thinking that, but it has been a human/gut reaction of mine ever since my diagnosis. And so the video bothered me. If I felt that way (and I'd never had an abortion), how would a woman feel who had an abortion, got breast cancer and then watched that video? And then I remembered the words told to me by the first sister survivor I called to inform of my diagnosis. "You don't deserve this, Kerry. Promise me you won't think you deserve this." Obviously she'd had the exact same emotions. No woman should feel like she deserves breast cancer.

I wish the video had given more resources to women who had an abortion, a phone number or resource they could talk to. Still many of the concerns raised by the video about Komen did bother me. I want to raise money for breast cancer and breast cancer only. I am pro-life and so all of this put me in a tough situation.

Do I walk? Do I not walk? Do I even protest? I have already registered. I've already met fellow breast cancer patients who want to walk with me on my team. (And I can't wait to walk with them!) I want to reach people with my message about God whether they are pro-life or pro-choice. I know and care about people who could be on either side of the debate. WHAT do I do?

So little shy me (who hates conflict) showed up at a team captain's meeting for Race for the Cure. I asked one of the local directors my question. Here's the answer I got:

75% of the money raised by Race for the Cure goes to the National office strictly to fund breast cancer research. It is from this research that tamoxifen and other life saving drugs have been found. 25% stays with the local branch for their overhead, education, breast screenings, and treatment. The national office does not give any money to planned parenthood.

A couple affiliates in very rural areas where there is no hospital or medical facility give $ out of their local 25% to planned parenthood to perform breast screenings. According to the director those affiliates (as well as the recipients of the money) must account (on paper) that the money has gone as intended or they will loose grant money. Could someone fudge this on paper? I suppose so. The director did say that Komen is focused solely on one agenda and one agenda only: curing the world of breast cancer. She assured me that EVERY CENT of the money raised in Knoxville will go to fighting breast cancer.

There is also a nationally recognized Christian food chain that is sponsoring the event locally. I talked to their Marketing Director (and a friend of mine) and they are very comfortable that they money is going only to the bc cause.

These are the viewpoints of the video and Komen as well as my first impressions.
At first this issue was so deflating to me, but now I am glad it has come out. It has raised an interesting theological debate.

For example, suppose I gave money to a homeless man on the street and told him it was only to be used for food. Suppose he went off and used it for something else (drugs, alcohol, a criminal act even). Suppose he only spent a fraction of the money on something I disagreed with and all the rest on a good cause? Suppose I also suspected he might do something bad with the money but gave him it anyway with hopes he would not? Am I doing something charitable or am I doing something wrong?

SO I've prayed about it and here's what I've decided to do:

I am going to walk in Race for the Cure. Komen has done SO much to advance the fight against breast cancer. I want the message from the shirts out there and that is the best forum in which to do it. If people want to give, give.
If they don't feel good about the race, I understand why. Everyone on the team can do what they think is right about the fundraising.

In addition I would like to take part in some other activity to fight breast cancer that those unable to do Race for the Cure can participate in. Any money raised from that event would go toward the Tshirt ministry or to St Mary's Medical Center where I was diagnosed and had my surgery. I'll even sign a petition encouraging Komen to seek another solution in rural areas rather than use planned parenthood. This is the decision I have come to and I am at peace about it. (Now I hope I don't have you angrily picking up tomatoes and throwing them at me and into your personal computer). ;)

Here is where I need YOUR help. Just DO something. Give where you feel led to give and most importantly PRAY. Pray that we reach people. I want people to come up to us in our God shirts during any walk we do. I want us to be able to tell them that the only thing we can count on in life is God. That doesn't mean I will never have cancer again. It doesn't mean that we'll never have any problems. What is does mean is that we will always have HIM. HE is bigger than cancer. He is BIGGER THAN ANYTHING!! If only one person, ONE person gets that....it will be SO worth every minute of my breast cancer fight. Lots of love,

Kerry

Radiation Week #2 Done & Counting Down to Cookie Day!

2009-08-15T10:28:00.007-04:00

Hello friends and family!

I have now gone to radiation 5 days a week for two weeks. 10 treatments down 23 to go. I still am not experiencing any discomfort. In a two week period I will have seen 4 doctors (my Medical Oncologist, my Surgeon, my Primary Care Physician and the Radiation Oncologist). This has become fairly routine and I am looking forward to the day when I can go a whole month without a doctor's appointment. All the doctors say I am doing well and very pleased with my progress. Needless to say Laura and Leslie have been real troopers and well behaved except for one appointment last week when they got into a pillow fight in the doctor's office and hit the doctor! Oh the insanity of it all. Fortunately the doctor has kids and a great sense of humor.
I can laugh about it now although I didn't then.

It is funny what becomes routine. My kids usually sleep in their clothes for the next day to help us get off early enough in the morning. They looked at me strangely Friday night when I said they could put on their nightgowns to sleep in since we didn't have a treatment the next day. We usually eat cereal out of the bag in the car for breakfast so today I made a point of fixing a big, sit down breakfast of bacon and eggs for them.

Thursday has become an exciting day of the week for the girls because it is cookie day at the treatment center. They have all sorts of cookies...peanut butter, chocolate chip, oatmeal raisin, macadamia nut. There is one elderly couple we run into every morning. The husband has cancer. You should have seen the smile on his face when he told my girls about cookie day. It is amazing to see what a difference even the smallest, thoughtful gesture can make. Now every weekday my girls are counting down to the next cookie day.

It may sound strange to say it but "counting down to the next cookie day" has become a sort of philosopy of mine I adopted early on in my diagnosis and has served me well ever since. I think if you are fighting something awful like cancer it helps you to always have something coming up that week to look forward to. For me it might be a getting together with family, a date night with Randy, a Mom's Night Out with friends, our coop, playdate with other kids or many different things. But it always helped me get through the day, even the stinky ones.

Tuesday night at the young breast cancer survivor's meeting I met a girl who was just diagnosed. She was starting her chemo treatment the very next day. She was obviously nervous. She said she would have rejected doing the chemo altogether if it wasn't for her family. She asked for some advice from us. It told her how I lived a full life on chemo, that she'd get through it. But the most important advice I gave her was that you should always have something to look forward to. That has made the biggest difference for us. Laura and Leslie are battling cancer too and for them it is cookie day. Thank goodness for cookie day! Hope you have your equivalent to cookie day to look forward to. Lots of love,

Kerry

Radiation Week 1 Done!!

2009-08-08T13:32:00.007-04:00

Hello!

This is just a quick update to let everyone know that my first week of radiation went really well. Every weekday morning Laura, Leslie and I get up and make the 30 mintute drive to the hospital. The girls sit in the waiting room right off from my treatment area and do a little homework within sight of the technicians. The whole process (including my changing into the hospital gown and out) usually takes about 30minutes. I have 4 purple marks on my skin that the techs use to line me up for the treatment each morning. I jokingly call the marks my crosshairs. I am not experiencing any discomfort as yet. We usually end each treatment with a trip to the hospital gift shop where the girls pick up a 10 cent candy or treat for hanging in there with me.

This week I dropped the bandanas and the wig. It is August afterall and hot. It feels good. I look like an army recruit but it's just fine with me. I get ready in the mornings now in half the time. :)

The Knoxville Race for the Cure is coming up October 24th. I have started a team called the GOD IS BIGGER THAN CANCER team and entered our breast cancer shirt into a Tshirt contest. (I think we should win it but of course I am a little biased). I will be sending out emails in the next week inviting all who are interested to join us either through donations or in the walk itself. I am very excited about it. I hope if there are several of us in our shirts people will see what a difference God has made in our lives and want that same blessed assurance that only He can give. Lots of love,

Kerry

Let the Radiation Begin!

2009-08-02T17:56:00.016-04:00

Hello dear friends and family!

Last Friday I went in for a simulation of my radiation treatments. On the way in I ran into Angie (the bc patient whom I met at my first chemo treatment who was sitting across from me reading the same book I was). She has only a couple more treatments next week and is doing really well. She showed me her scar and treatment areas. She looked like she had a red, blistered sunburn. She said she was getting a little fatigued but only now at the end. It was such a joy to see her.

During the simulation I was asked to lie down on my back on this long, flat table. There was a huge machine dangling over my head. It was round in the center with what looked like a mouth in the middle with little red laser beams shooting out from it. There was a remote control for the thing which hung from the ceiling.

Two female technicians came in and began drawing square and circular shapes all over my chest with sharpies. Over the mouth of the machine they inserted different flat trays with holes in them. They had my last name on them and abbreviations like Lat for lateral and Med for medial for the angles/sides in which they were marking me. At times the mouth of the machine would open and close from each side in a square pattern that reminded me of sci fi movies with the view of a shuttle craft boarding into the bottom of a mother ship. The head would also move from side to side as they worked on different views of my anatomy. There were even laserbeams that crisscrossed the ceiling. It was a little wierd.

Every once in a while the techs would pick up the sheet underneath me and scoot me a few centimeters one way and a few the other, turn down the lights and look at some ruler marks projected on my chest. They would call out those number marks and draw on me with the sharpie again. After they did each position, they would tape over the marks with special tapes and take an xray. The doctor would then look at my xrays and have them fine tune the marks and my position (taking more xrays) until after an hour he was satisfied they had me marked exactly where he wanted the radiation to go. Nothing hurt. The only uncomfortable part was staying still for long periods of time and keeping my hands over my head. They kept falling asleep.

After I left I ran into a man in the elevator. I had on a V neck top and you could see all of the circles at the base of my neck. He laughed and said he could tell where I'd been and that it looked like I had cave drawings all over me. Personally I think it looked like I'd been attacked by a crazy preschooler with a magic marker. Most of the marks I was able to wash off but the ones in purple (including what looks like crosshairs) under the tape will stay with me until I finish the radiation.

Today I had my first treatment. Everything went really well. The technicians spent most of the time positioning me. Once they were satisfied that I was precisely lined up, they would leave the room. They stepped into an adjacent room where they could see me through a monitor. (There was at least one camera in my treatment room). A red light would come on making a buzzing sound. It would last about 30 seconds and then turn off. The techs would then come in again, reposition me and it would start all over again. The machine over me would move from side to side depending on the angle they needed to shoot. It didn't hurt. I've been told it takes about two weeks for the discomfort to kick in but that it isn't too bad, just itchy. 1 down and 32 to go! Thanks for the prayer! Lots of love,

Kerry

Life is Good

2009-07-23T13:22:00.008-04:00

Hello prayer warriors!

We are home safely from our trip. I already miss my sister and all our dear friends in Va. It feels good though to be back in TN getting ready for round 3 of my treatment...radiation.

Today I met with the Radiation Oncologist and the radiation therapist who will be overseeing my treatment. The Radiation Oncologist said again what a miraculous pathology report I had from the surgery. He said if the response on the tumors from the chemo was so great, just imagine what it did to any of those "bad cells" that might have been floating around in my system. Yippee!!

They put me through a CAT scan today. It is a big square box with what looks like a big donut hole. You just lie down and move back and forth through the opening while the machine scans you. They were getting precise pictures and data of my anatomy so that the doctor can line up angles and trajectories they will use to shoot the radiation. They also make customized molds they put against you to prevent any of the radiation from reaching your vital organs. They will be shooting side angles of the remaining chest tissues, straight on angles of my scars and also the lymph nodes near my neck for prevention. The individualized nature and preciseness of it all is very fascinating. Because my breast cancer is on the left side (near my heart) I have to use a special machine. On the plus side, it means that machine is less busy and I had my pick of the times. I will start treatment on August 3 at 8:45 am in the morning and go 5 times a week for almost 7 weeks (or 33 treatments).

I am actually excited about starting. Life is so good. I had a wonderful visit with family, there's a new school year to look forward to and still a little bit of the summer to enjoy. If life can be this good, just imagine how good eternal life must be. Lots of love,

Kerry

Fun, Fun, Fun

2009-07-18T19:00:00.009-04:00

Hello Dear friends and family!

This week I am up in Virginia visiting with my sisters and their families. We are having such a wonderful time. There's been lots of swimming, video games, movies and laughter.

I continue to recover well and feel truly blessed. Thursday night we got together with many wonderful friends in King George who have been praying for me these many months. Some of them I met for the very first time. It was truly a joy to see them and thank them for their wonderful prayers and support.

Lots of love,
Kerry

A Psalm

2009-07-08T19:46:00.006-04:00

Hello Dear friends and family,

I am doing great! I'm back to sleeping in the bed and rolling over. Yeah!!! I'm stuffing my bra daily and about to glue on some falsh eyelashes tonight (wish me luck). Except for these usual breast cancer oddities, all seems right with the world.

Today I thought I'd share with you something I wrote way back in January after I was first diagnosed. It was the weekend after my first chemo treatment when I attended a Pep Moms retreat. The speaker read a psalm in which King David had poured out his soul during hardship. She then had each of us write a Psalm about what was burdening us down. I remember distinctly that Casting Crown's "The Voice of Truth" was playing on a boom box at the time. I was among several who got up and shared my psalm. We all cried together over different problems, fears and worries that were burdening us down. After almost 6 months I revisited my psalm today. I guess it just shows again God's goodness. I reference a storm in my psalm several times and I must say God's grace has truly carried my family through it.

My burden is heavy Lord
So so heavy.
Cancer stinks Lord.
Some days I feel really bad.
Some days I can't do what I enjoy.
And Lord that stinks.
I want my life back.
I want my energy back.
I want normal back, Lord.
But Lord I know you are greater than cancer.
You are greater than anything Satan or this world can throw at me.
Your love will carry me through this storm.
You will carry me through this storm.
You will hold my hand. You will hold my husband's hand.
You will hold Laura and Leslie my daughters' hands
Against the waves that batter against us.
For you O Lord are great...so so great.
How great is our God. Sing with me how great is our God
And all will see how great, how great is our God.

Of course the last two lines are from the well known song, How Great Is Our God. It was the first song I heard the next Sunday in church after I was diagnosed. How blessed I have been to have gone through the storm so well. I guess all that is left now are just a few thundershowers. How good is that? If there is something burdening you down, I would encourage you to write your own psalm. It did wonders for my spirit. Lots of love,

Kerry

Feeling Whole for the Holy One

2009-07-03T12:21:00.027-04:00

Hello dear friends and family!

Surgery is now 3 weeks behind me. I am still very swollen but it is going down. I am now sleeping in the bed again at least most of the night. I can't roll over on my side and have to sleep on my back. Usually between 2-5 am I wake up with a terrible back ache and I sleep the rest of the night in the recliner. (I have new appreciation for LaZboys let me tell you). I have lost most of my eyelashes and eyebrows now too but the hair on my head is definately coming back. My arm mobility is improving. I am reaching over my shoulders now and (with some squirming) can usually pull clothes off over my head. I'm back to driving all over town too. These are all very small victories but I will take them. Life is ALMOST back to normal.

The emotional side of things is still taking some getting used to. Lately breast cancer has made me feel like I am half a person. It can make you feel like half a wife. You aren't as beautiful for your spouse as you were before. What's the use of dolling up when you don't have hair, eyebrows or even eyelashes. It can make you feel like half a woman. Not only is my hair missing but my chest too. Sometimes I feel androgynous. Yes it is temporary but it still can be SO depressing. You want to do something about it, but what are you going to do? You can't make your hair come back any sooner. You can't make the surgeries or the radiation visits over with quicker or be any easier. You can't make the scars disappear or make the swelling go away any faster. So you try to be one of those glass half full people. You look for the silver lining. You tell yourself "I'll shop for scarves and hats." Or you think "I'll pick my own bra size!" Goodness knows I have an large bandana collection right now and reconstruction will certainly make me feel more normal in the long run but neither of these things (or any of the other "silver linings" I focus on) will make me feel whole again inside.

SO how do you feel whole again? Well it isn't by anything you can do yourself that's for sure. The only thing that makes me feel whole again is knowing that God is in control and that He is the one who can fill me up inside. No one person and no one thing on Earth can do that...just Him. Everything you have in life, everything you've achieved....your health, your financial stability, your spouse, your children, everything is a blessing on loan from Him. Those things all make you feel wonderful and happy but nothing else can make you feel complete. I have lots of moments when I struggle with the emotional side, but this knowledge is what carries me through. I can't imagine battling this disease with out it. Hope you are feeling whole inside too. Lots of love,

Kerry

PS: Brooke Estrada emailed me and said the Avon Breast Cancer walk in the Colorodo Rockies was a huge success with lots of answered prayer and Godincidinces. More details to come later!

Healing Rain

2009-06-25T08:12:00.014-04:00

Hello dear friends and family!

Healing rain is falling down inside (my spirit) and out (my physical scars). I am still recovering well from my surgery. The drain tubes are gone (yeah!) It feels like I have a huge jelly roll under my arms from the swelling, but there is no pain and I am able to get around well. I have been sleeping in the living room recliner for a week and a half to keep myself elevated and reduce pressure on the stitches. Bed? What's that? Needless to say I am looking forward to sleeping in one again soon.

I have a lopsided chest. The left side is flat. They injected fluid for the first time into the expander on the right side Monday, making it expand & beginning the reconstruction. The expander is actually located underneath the chest muscle and stretches both the muscle and the skin which made me sore for a couple of days. For a while there I vowed I was stopping at size AA. Randy hurt his back exercising that night and we were both hobbling around the house like a bent over old couple. Just looking at each other made us laugh but it also hurt! It was funny.

The little things like the soreness and swelling are really just irritating. Laura, Leslie and I are impatient for me to fully recover so we can get out more and enjoy the summer.

It looks like my hair will start coming back soon. I have a little fuzz on my head now, just a few baby hairs. My toes are still numb so I know the chemo has not left my system for good yet. It is on its way out though.

God is so good. Everything we have needed has been supplied and then some. There were so many kind mailings, cards, emails and phone calls the past few weeks. There were a couple of days last week when I seriously wondered how I was going to close the refrigerator door. Thanks to everyone and thanks also for all the prayers.

I also wanted to remind everyone to pray again for Brooke Estrada. She left yesterday for the Avon Walk coming up on June 27-28th. She and others participating with her are raising lots of money for breast cancer research. Please pray for a successful, injury-free event.

Lots of love,

Kerry

Eager to be a "Thriver" As Well As a "Survivor"

2009-06-18T09:04:00.015-04:00

It has been a week today since my surgery and I continue to recover well. I started out with 5 tubes after surgery and am down to one drainage tube. I am hoping to have that out tomorrow. I got dressed by myself today which was an accomplishment! I also got out of the house for a couple hours with Shannon for lunch and a couple short errands which was a treat.

I have some good news! My pathology report came back and there is NO SIGN OF THE CANCER! It's gone! Caput! Outta here!! Isn't that fantastic?! It boggles my mind how the doctors knew exactly what drug combination to use to so successfully KO the cancer. That these very drugs are out there, the fact that they exist, that they were work together so well shows yet again how miracles in nature always point back to our Omnipotent Creator. Round 2 is won!! Yeah!! Praise God!!

I don't know yet if the doctor had to remove any of the chest wall or how many lymph nodes she took during the surgery. She told my family that the surgery was a little tricky. She had to take out several damaged lymph nodes up against the blood vessals. I hope to know more details when I see her again.

Laura and Leslie are coming home on Saturday. So far my sister Mitzi & brother-in-law John have courageously survived having 6 kids at their house for over a week. Laura told me the other night "Mommy, we all went out last night and caught fireflies. It was so much fun." I was about to say "Awww how sweet..." when she added, "And then we fed them to Stephen's Venus Fly Trap plant." I just had to laugh. I understand there is also a toothfairy (Heather and Joe in disquise) sending notes to Leslie. The toothfairy is not even requiring lost teeth in VA!

I was asked last week by Laura and Leslie if I believed Peter Pan and Tinkerbell were real. I was honest and explained that I thought they were make believe. My girls politely informed me I was wrong because the toothfairy (about a year ago) had written a note saying she'd seen Tinkerbell in Fairyland and if the toothfairy says so, it MUST be true. (Guess I've dug myself in pretty deep). Hopefully this "toothfairy" in VA can help dig me out! ;)

I really enjoyed reading the comments on the last post about the other adventures Laura and Leslie have been having with all our dear friends in VA. Thank you all so much for adopting the girls for the week. It has meant so much to me and Randy to know they can enjoy the summer not having to deal with things like "surgery" or "cancer."

Yesterday I saw an interview with Olivia Newton John who is a breast cancer survivor. She calls herself not just a survivor but a "Thriver." Survivor has such wonderful conotations...you've made it...you've beat the cancer. It also, she said, gives you the mental picture of someone still holding on to dear life or someone with their head just above the water. She proudly explained after 16 years cancer free she felt like a Thriver, with a very full life.

Psalm 1:1-3 says "Happy is the man who does not go in the company of sinners, or take his place in the way of evil-doers, or in the seat of those who do not give honour to the Lord. But whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and whose mind is on his law day and night. He will be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, which gives its fruit at the right time, whose leaves will ever be green; and he will do well in all his undertakings."

I want to be like the thriving tree in that verse. I am definately a Survivor. I have beat the cancer. There are days when my head feels just above the water. On the other hand, I have such a wonderful life. I know there are good times ahead. Guess that makes me a "Thriving Survivor" or a "Surviving Thriver?" I don't know which but I'm on my way to being a Thriver. That's what counts. Hope you are Thrivers too.

Lots of love to all,

Kerry

Back Home!

2009-06-14T13:06:00.003-04:00

Dear friends and family,

I am back home! The surgery went really well. I was afraid I would be scared or lonely when it came time for the surgery to start but I wasn't. The truth is I barely remember that part at all. They started the anesthesia when I still had family around me.

I have two tubes sticking out of me that must be drained every few hours and a pain pump that hangs around my neck. I am sore and stiff but that is all. The scars are a little tough to take, but I know they are temporary and I feel at peace with my decision. Every day I feel better. I am so pleased to have made it downstairs to the computer by myself. That is my accomplishment for the day!

I am spending most of my time hanging out in the recliner watching TV while my wonderful husband waits on me hand and foot. (Sigh, it's a hard life). He is so wonderful. You all have been so wonderful. God is so good.

Laura and Leslie are up in VA with my sister Mitzi. Randy and I miss them but we know they are having a great time.

Thank you all so much for your prayers. Lots of love,

Kerry

Out of Surgery

2009-06-11T15:17:00.003-04:00

Kerry's surgery is complete and she is in recovery. Randy said that everything went well. Please continue to pray for healing both physically and emotionally as I know this will be a difficult time for her.

As Angels Watch Over Me Through the Night...

2009-06-08T21:41:00.006-04:00

Hello Dear Friends and Family!

Obviously I've been thinking alot about my surgery lately. It will be Thursday morning at 8 am.

You know those Verizon Wireless commericals, the ones where a person has their entire phone network of like 100 people following them everywhere they go? Well for me surgery isn't like that. Well, it is but it feels like it isn't. Let me explain.

When I was diagnosed with cancer I had never had a major surgery before in my life. Now it looks like I will have three total in my breast cancer recovery, maybe more. The surgery is not life threatening or anything but it still is a little scary. I'm sure any of you out there who have had major surgery would say the same. Now of course the doctor is there. And I think the world of mine. But the people in this world you are used to relying on can't be right there to hold your hand. When you are wheeled into surgery your spouse can't go with you...your parents, your siblings, your friends. Sure they will be waiting for you on the other side and that makes a HUGE difference. But when it comes down to that moment when you go into surgery you are going into it ALONE. Your support network can't go with you. I knew all that in my head before but I never experienced it until I had cancer.

The truth is your "network" as wonderful as it is can't carry your burden for you. They can help you tremendously (and mine certainly has) but they can't take it from you. Like Christian in Pilgrim's Progress your burden in life (whatever that burden may be) is your own to carry.

The good news is that if you have Jesus in your heart you are NOT ALONE and He can make that burden seem light if you give it to Him. And what matters most when you are wheeled into that operating room right then and there is your relationship with God. You can either feel isolated at that moment or know you are in better hands.

When I tuck my girls into bed at night we say the "Now I lay me down to sleep" prayer. The version I said as a kid has the line "If I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take." I remember dreading that line as a kid, wishing I just could skip over it. As an adult now though I understand how comforting (not scary) that line really is. My kids and I say a version with the line "As Angels watch over me through the night until I wake in the morning light."

When I am wheeled into that operating room, I am not only going to picture my wonderful network waiting for me on the other side of the door (and praying for me all over the country) but I am also going to close my eyes and imagine an army of heavenly angels all around me, watching over me. I will not be alone. God will carry me through.

It reminds me of that beautiful poem "Footprints."

I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets
of footprints in the sand,
one belonging to me
and one to my Lord.

When the last scene of my life shot before me
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
There was only one set of footprints.
I realized that this was at the lowest
and saddest times of my life.
This always bothered me
and I questioned the Lord
about my dilemma.

“Lord, you told me when I decided to follow You,
You would walk and talk with me all the way.
But I'm aware that during the most troublesome
times of my life there is only one set of footprints.
I just don't understand why, when I needed You most,
You leave me.”

He whispered, “My precious child,
I love you and will never leave you
never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints
it was then that I carried you.”

Margaret Fishback Powers

See you all on the other side of the operating room! Lots of love,

Kerry

Child-Like Faith

2009-06-03T11:24:00.021-04:00

Hello Dear friends and family!

Child-like faith. That is what I hope to show to others. A contagious, child-like faith.

Mark 10:13-16 says,
And they were bringing children to Jesus so that He might touch them; but the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, “Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all.” And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands on them.

This morning on Good Morning America I saw a story about a 10 year old girl with breast cancer. You heard me correctly...10 years old. Here's a link to her incredible story. Her positive outlook is amazing. I watched it and I cried. http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCallPlusBreastCancerNews/story?id=7739714&page=1

I have talked to a couple mothers whose children are battling or have battled cancer. Their spirit and outlook on life have been very inspirational to me. It is truly amazing and humbling what we can learn from children sometimes.

With this in mind we are happy to announce another new shirt! It was designed by Michelle at Luna B Tees and suggested by a mother whose little boy Phillip is in remission from leukemia. It is the God is so much bigger than Pediatric Cancer shirt! (Yeah!!!!) These are now available on lunabtee.com. I can't wait until after surgery when I can give some of these out!! Here's a link to the caringbridge site of that special family and a precious picture of Phillip modeling it. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/philipendres

Yesterday Randy and I had an appointment with my breast surgeon. We had a huge list of questions. She spent well over an hour with us going through the list answering each one by one. If there is one thing I have learned about breast cancer it is that it is VERY complicated. You can't expect "yes" and "no" answers to anything. The best doctor in the world can't give you those.

All the answers can be best summed up in two statements: every person is different and every breast cancer is different. I really don't know for sure yet how many surgeries I will have. I really don't know how long my recovery time will be. All they can give you are ranges and estimates. As a "planner" this can drive you a little crazy. There are also so many "what ifs" or unpredictable things that go wrong too, some of which I will have to watch for the rest of my life (lymphadema, blood clots,etc.). What the surgeon kept telling me was to not fixate on all the little unpredictable things but to just keep my eyes on the goal, the goal of being cancer free. I keep wanting the cancer treatments to be a sprint to the finish but clearly it is more of a marathon with unknown twists and turns.

My surgery is late next week. I am having a modified radical mastectomy with an expander on the right. Thanks so much for your continued prayer and support. I am READY for it. That child-like faith will see me through. Lots of love,

Kerry

Wanting it GONE

2009-05-30T17:18:00.015-04:00

Hello Prayer Warriors!

I got the results back from my MRI last night. They can no longer see any cancer in my lymph nodes or the couple smaller tumors in my chest! There is a small amount of cancer left where the biggest tumor was but nothing in comparison to its original size!

I am so excited that the chemo has so dramatically shrunk the cancer! I had hoped for a total knockout but it is okay. I will always wonder in the back of my mind if little cancer cells could still be out there. A complete knockout would have helped that fear but in a way it makes the double mastectomy an easier decision. It would have been harder somehow to loose that part of my body if the cancer had been completely gone. Regardless, the results are still miraculous! Praise God that the chemo was so effective!!

Today I thought I would tell everyone what an MRI of the breast is like in case you ever have to go in for future testing. This is the procedure I had last Thursday that gave me these results.

The good news is an MRI is not painful. The first thing they do is start an IV. You then have to lie down on a table on your stomach with your head in an oval cushion. You stretch your arms above your head. Your chest hangs down over this opening (which feels a little funny). They lower you back into a tunnel and you stay in that position for about 30 minutes. They give you earplugs because as the images are taken you hear lots of clicks and knocking sounds some of which do get loud. The only hard thing is remaining absoultely still and breathing while lying on your tummy. About 3/4 of the way through they will insert "contrast" into your IV. It is a liquid that makes the cancer stick out more in the imaging. I was told with my first MRI that they take about 1200 images.

I hope to have the date of the surgery set on Tuesday when I see the breast surgeon.Last Thursday I dropped off several more God is bigger than cancer shirts to Julie at the radiologist's office. She said they continue to be a blessing to others which makes me smile. She hopes to start a support group at the hospital to serve the Knoxville area. Thank you all for your continued prayer. Looking forward to the day when the cancer is GONE! Lots of love,

Kerry

Prayer for Upcoming Events

2009-05-26T12:40:00.015-04:00

Hello dear family and friends!

I've been doing well since my last post.

The last round of chemo was harder, but I am so thankful for it. God is so good. For every moment that is a struggle I have a thousand more that are so, so wonderful.

On Thursday I will have an MRI to determine how much if any of the cancer remains. We know it has shrunk down dramatically. Please pray that it has been knocked out for good!

I want to remind everyone that Brooke Estrada from Las Vegas will be doing the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer on June 27th and 28th. It is a 2 day 39 mile walk through the Colorado Rockies. Let's cheer her on! Please continue to pray for Brooke as she prepares for the walk. Help her reach her goal of raising $1800 in the fight against breast cancer! Cut and paste this link to go to her personal web page:
http://info.avonfoundation.org/site/TR/Walk2009/Denver?px=3863583&pg=personal&fr_id=1810&et=93jebOVkVWWbZfOynpKaeg..&s_tafId=383633

Go Brooke!!!

Chemo's Last Kick

2009-05-22T07:56:00.009-04:00

Rage. Rage so intense you feel like you have to hit something to get it out of your system. Then five minutes later you are on your knees weeping. You don't know why. You just are. The phrase in the Bible "weeping and gnashing of teeth" literally comes to mind. They're back....the insane hormones from my fourth treatment hit another peak the other day.

And what sets off this wild ride of emotions? It's just everyday things...my child losing her softball uniform, the kids bickering in the car, having to ask your child to do something three times. Normal everyday circumstances that you cope with all the time but with Chemo's last kick are harder to handle. My children just stare at me during these episodes in wonder, eventually trying to give me advice about "controlling my temper" and "Mommy just try to smile...you will feel better inside." Ouch! Then you cry because you feel bad about crying! How crazy is that? I feel so sad for my little girls and my husband. I feel so sad that they have to see me like this. At least I know it is temporary. My doctor said it might get worse before it gets better and it has. Last night I sat my girls down and explained to them that the medicine was affecting me. I had to ask their forgiveness for my outbursts of emotion. It certainly wasn't the first time I've had to do it as a Mom. They seemed to understand. They are such strong, wonderful little girls. Later on in the evening they gave me little handmade cards and said a bedtime prayer for me. Isn't that sweet? The light is at the end of the tunnel and I know we'll get through it.

Speaking of light I learned something interesting from a sister survivor today. She had listened to a conference on triple negative breast cancer. Our type of breast cancer is only in about 15% of cases and most common in African American women. (Hence I have wondered how in the world did I get it?) There is some research now into the possibility that a deficiency in vitamin D may have something to do with the cancer. Breast cancer.org suggests that women with my type of cancer on vitamin D supplements (when combined with a low fat diet) may have a lower rate of reocurrence. I was never a sun worshiper for sure but I am not one to avoid the outdoors and lather on excess sunscreen either. I am planning on having my vitamin D levels tested the next time I see my medical oncologist. There is so much new data out there now, so much new research.

Genesis 58:8 says "Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory
of the LORD will be your rear guard." The glory of the Lord as your rear guard. I love that.

Here's looking toward the light. Lots of love,

Kerry

Round Two...Bring it On!

2009-05-18T08:35:00.038-04:00

Hello Prayer Warriors!

Four months ago I began to fight my cancer. Like a boxer putting on boxing gloves and heading into a ring for a grueling match I prepared myself at that time for a long fight. My surgeon had said this would be my "breast cancer year." I knew there would be several rounds...chemo, surgery, radiation, reconstruction, each with its own set of challenges.

Round 1 for me was chemotheraphy. The decisions in this round were simple. Chemo was the fastest, most effective and only systematic way to attack the cancer. Hormone therapies are less effective on someone with triple negative breast cancer like me. With the chemotherapy over now I feel like the round 1 bell has just sounded. I've won the round! Tumors have shrunk! I'm not down for the count! But this is just round one. I've got several more tough rounds to go.

So today I moved forward into round 2. I'm back in the ring, this time laying down the strategy for a successful surgery. The decisions in this round are more complicated. Do I opt for a single or double mastectomy? Do I plan for reconstruction or not? If I plan to do reconstruction later do I have inserted an expander (a new liquid-filled balloon that adjusts in size) to stretch the skin for future implants on one side or both? How does an expander impact radiation? What if the expander fails or is damaged by the radiation? Does that mean another surgery or delay of my radition treatments? If I don't do the expander tissue called a transflap will have to be taken from my back or tummy to create the muscle support needed for reconstruction. How will that effect recovery time/healing?

The decisions involved in this round are dizzying. I have talked to women who (when faced with the same decisions) made very different choices. You also have 3-4 doctors weighing in with differing opinions. I've had two tell me I am not a candidate for an expander on the left but am on the right and one tell me I am a candidate for the expander on both sides. A part of me just wants a date for the surgery, a date when I can get round two outta here, but I've talked to enough women with regrets that I don't want to be looking back wondering to myself, "Well what if I had done this...or that?"

And so today I marched back into that Plastic Surgeon's office with my GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN CANCER shirt and my movie star glasses (which looked maaaarvelous by the way). I was hoping to get some answers to all my questions.

The first time I went to the plastic surgeon's office I felt "freaky." I saw all these beautiful women who I assumed were striving for physical perfection. I had to wonder to myself "Why are they here?" And then there was me feeling like (because of the cancer) I was going to be mutilated and then "put back together" like a frankenstein. This time I dropped the self-conscious attitude of the previous trip. I again saw several beautiful women around me, but I didn't speculate about what they were doing there. I focused on what I was doing there. I focused on the fact that the surgery is part of my strategy to defeat the cancer, my battle plan. A mastectomy would hopefully defeat the cancer physically. As a triple negative, my chance of reoccurance is high. I have heard of women with reoccurances who endured chemo and surgery AGAIN years after their initial diagnosis. I refuse to be one of those women. When I throw that one two punch on that cancer I want to knock it out for good.

Then I want to defeat the cancer emotionally. It is my choice...all of it, and here is where reconstruction enters into it. I don't want to be wrapped up in the physical, seeking perfection as some are but I want to be as "normal" as possible. And when I stopped to think about it I realized that's what all the women in that office wanted. We are all God's beautiful creations. If only we could see ourselves as He sees us... "beautifully and wonderfully made." Seeing beyond the physical but finding a healthy "normal." That's where I need to be. That's where I am headed in my emotional battle with breast cancer.

When I went into the plastic surgeon's office I was hoping to get some answers and set the date for the surgery. What I got were more questions. But you know what, that's okay. I've got lots of phone calls to do, lots of opinions still to gather and lots of decisions to make. Please pray for insight and for patience on my part in making these decisions. I may be in a holding pattern for now but when I go out swinging to fight the cancer again it will be once and for all. As a friend pointed out to me one time, my initials aren't "K.O." for nothing!

I am clinging to the following verse: Romans 12:12

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.(NIV)

Lots of love,

Kerry

Chemo Graduation- Breast Cancer Style!!!

2009-05-14T17:54:00.013-04:00

Hello dear friends and family!!

It's the season for graduations. I had a big graduation and milestone of my own today. I graduated chemo. 18 weeks...6 rounds...done, finis, outta here, hasta la vista baby, history! Yeah!!!!

It is funny the emotions I have. I am SO glad to be done with the chemo, especially all that it has done to me physically. I've continued to develop some weird side effects....a rash on my hands, numbness on my feet, sudden bursts of tears, all of which my doctor tells me are "normal" for chemo. Only my gray eyebrows seem to be hanging in there so I've been using a pencil to "draw" some visible ones in. Despite everything I've experienced, my doctor said I "breezed" through it. Guess that means I was top of my class! :) Again how lucky and I am to be healthy overall. It makes a big difference. I will miss the every three week visit with my wonderful doctor and the terrific nurses that always gave me the hugs and smiles that I needed to keep racing toward that chemo finish line.

Today they gave me a send off "breast cancer style..." with pink, pink and more pink! I was presented with a pink rhinestone hat and a pink feather boa. To the music of "If you're happy and you know it clap your hands.." we all got up and danced and one of the nurses blew bubbles on me. The other patients in the room and their families applauded. A funny ritual, but I cannot tell you what it meant to my heart. I know I won't be in the chemo room as a patient anymore, but I know I will be there. It is so laid on my heart to return and return often...to give out shirts to those cancer patients, to hear their stories, to help them see how God has worked in my life and how He can in theirs.

As I approached the chemo room to begin my last treatment I saw a man with a black grapefruit sized tumor on his jaw & cheek. It broke my heart. Then I looked up and I saw a man staring at my shirt. "Good Luck" he said with a big smile on his face. It was the last chemo cheer before I crossed my chemo finish line, pink boa and rhinestone hat and all! Thank you all for cheering me on.

In Acts 20:24 Paul said "I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me–the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." I have finished this leg of the race but there is more to come, much more. I so long to be a contagious christian. I have a mental image of running the race and then seeing others join in running side by side because they see something that is different about you, about me, about all of us who know Jesus. I can't wait to see what HE has in store. I so want to fulfill His purpose for me and run my race and run it well. Don't you?

Next Monday I go back to the plastic surgeons office. Many of you remember it was not an easy visit for me last time. I am going to go in there with my movie star glasses on, and walk through the waiting room like it is a catwalk with my head held high. LOOK OUT WORLD!!! HERE I COME!! Lots of love,

Kerry

Breast Cancer Birthday & Being the Bummer Mom

2009-05-08T08:21:00.016-04:00

There have been several times since my diagnosis when I have been the "bummer mom." In other words, you (in your children's mind) are the bummer. You've kept your child from something they really want. If you are a mom you've been there. (And many times it is part of the job description). I have tried all I can the last several months to give my children a "normal" life, but there have been many times over the course of my chemotheraphy when I have had to disappoint my children.

I did it last night as well. We were at a Lady Vols softball game. It was 9:30 with three innings to go. We'd been there for four hours. The game was terrific. We'd all had a wonderful time but I was exhausted. It had been a busy day. I have had stomach trouble ever since my last treatment (still not bad, but more constant) and we had a 45 minute drive home. It was time to go. My daughters' entire softball team was there, all with notepads waiting until the end of the game to get the college players' autographs. But not my children. Their mommy is "sick" and we "had to go."

On the way home it was all I heard about. We've had this conversation many times before. One of my daughters was very angry that she was "missing out." They were not tired. I was tired. I was the problem. The truth of it is I don't like disappointing my children. BUT disappointment is part of life and they were choosing to see the hour they missed out on at the ball park not the four hours there they were able to enjoy.

This night came on the heels of a week when I have been the recipient of so many blessings, packages, caring cards & letters from friends and family. (Thank you coop friends, Amy, Lorrie, Christine, Aunt Pat):) It really bothered me that my children were oblivious to the blessings all around us, even something so simple as a softball game. I had to explain to them that the three of us being healthy enough to spend the night at a softball game was a privilege. (Most mommies going through chemo, I explained, couldn't do that). Having the car to get us there and the money to pay for the gas was a privilege. Having the people in our lives who cared enough to invite us and fellowship with us there was a privilege. Having the luxury of time to go was a privilege. Every day is a privilege.

We started focusing on what we had, not what we didn't have and then I believe my kids "got it." Only then did my girls start talking about how exciting the game was, how skilled the players were, how much fun we'd had. By the time we pulled into the driveway I believe my children finally understood how privileged, how absolutely priveleged they were to have even gone at all.

It got me thinking how much our human nature is like that sometimes. God has given us so much, so many blessings. Often times we focus on the things we don't have in our lives. Sometimes we feel as though we're missing out. Sometimes we feel like we've been denied something, maybe even that God has denied us something when the whole time we have blinders on, unable to see that He is absolutely showering us with blessings. I personally feel absolutely drenched in them.

Monday is my birthday. I will be 38 years old. I am calling this my Breast Cancer Birthday. I intend for it to be my ONLY Breast Cancer Birthday. Being a year older is a another privilege that I plan to enjoy. (And I don't even have any gray hairs this year)! :) Lots of love,

Kerry

I've got the Joy, Joy, Joy Down in My Heart....

2009-05-02T16:30:00.006-04:00

Hello Dear Friends and Family!

Last night I had the pleasure of attending my first Relay for Life event. It was in Jefferson County. My inlaws, aunts on Randy's side and even my mother in law's employer were there to walk for cancer. The event was very touching.

Everyone there who had ever battled cancer wore special survivor shirts and sat in the center of the Jefferson Co High football stadium. I was struck by how young those people looked. There were several children and I can truly say not as many gray heads as you would have thought. Dozens of school and business teams sat behind us in the bleachers. Our speaker was also a breast cancer survivor. She talked about how many cancer survivors she'd met were people of JOY, not because life had been easy on them but because they saw life with new eyes, with a clarity that comes from the cancer itself. She encouraged us not just to walk around the track but to dance around it. It reminded me of that song we sang as kids "I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart..."

Then it came time for us to walk. They called each survivor's name one by one and stated how long they had battled cancer. One person had battled it for a month. Another was a 42 year survivor. Each person walked past the others to the track and received a Relay for Life medal from the mayor. Once they had called everyone's names, we lined up together on the track and began to walk, wiggle and boogie our way around the track. I saw several women with bald heads like mine, people with canes to support themselves, people with tubes coming out of their bodies. I saw what looked like a 7-8 year old boy with colon cancer. They all walked. They walked around that track with their heads held high....hopeful. I walked with a thyroid cancer survivor named Teresa whose daughter has just been diagnosed with cancer in lymph nodes behind the ribcage. She is currently battling with her insurance company to get a less invasive cancer surgery approved that would allow the surgeons to go in through the throat rather than the chest. The chest surgery would require breaking several ribs and a long recovery time. I cannot imagine having your cancer surgery on hold because of an insurance company.

After the survivor's walk there was a kid's walk. Randy, Laura and Leslie participated with shakers in hand. It was jubilant, loud, wonderful.

As soon as the kid's walk ended, a downpour began. I was not able to sit at my little card table and sell my shirts. (The cardtable would have been gone with the wind if I had tried). I was very disappointed about this, but the truth is within the last few days I had gotten 11 shirt orders. I had only 25 shirts. Half were already spoken for. How cool is that? Perhaps it was my night not to focus on the shirts but to focus on the JOY.

Later on in the evening I saw people dancing in the rain. It was a beautiful sight and an image I will not soon forget. It was the JOY that the speaker talked about...the joy that I see in the laughing faces at the cancer ward. It is hard to wrap your head around it. You don't see it in all the faces obviously. You see alot of sadness also, but when you do see that Joy it becomes contagious. Those are the people who have hope in HIM, hope for a cure, hope for healing. Those are the people you are inspired by because they are survivors in the truest sense of the word, not just in body but in spirit. Psalms 30:11 says, "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy."
Wishing you all lots of joy.

Kerry

Blessed Assurance (or Knowing That You Know)

2009-04-28T07:44:00.009-04:00

12 years. That is how long Randy and I have been married. We just celebrated our 12 wedding anniversary Sunday. I am so very thankful to have experienced these last 12 wonderful years. My anniversary got me thinking about the day we got married. I remember being very happy and very calm that day, no jitters, no nervousness. I knew I was making the right decision and therefore the decision was easy for me. Now I am not generally a decisive person but there have been times in my life when I "just know" something, unequivocably, without a doubt is true.

Something that has been on my mind lately is the ease with which I have made most of the decisions surrounding my cancer treatment. Number 1 of course was to turn to my Savior. I could have been bitter or angry but what good would that have done? God didn't give me cancer. In fact becoming bitter would have missed the point. The OPPORTUNITY as it were to see how God was going to use this in some positive way became apparent to me early on. It didn't make the future ahead look easier but it least it gave it some meaning, some purpose, some reason.

The second decision came with whether or not to choose chemotherapy. When you are told you are a borderline stage 3, not a candidate for Her2Nu or estrogen induced cancer treatments, it's in your lymph nodes and a Dr. looks you in the face and says "If you were my wife, I would start with chemotherapy right away" that certainly makes the decision easier. What is remarkable to me is the comfort which I took from those terrible signs, as though they themselves were little Godincidences pointing the way. It led me to the cancer ward I am on. It led me to the people that I am continuing to meet who are ministering to me and "training me up" to someday help others. It has drawn me closer to a circle of friends, new sisters here, in Va, and all over the nation for a deeper and more meaningful fellowship.

To face cancer alone seems like trying to walk a huge chasm with no bridge, no net. I know that I know that I have HIM above and countless others on the other side waving me on and that makes all the difference. Most importantly I know that I have HIM and I am left to feel so sad, so broken for those who don't. How can you look at the vastness of the stars, the complexities of a single cell or the remarkable way in which our planet is positioned to sustain life and believe that everything is some sort of cosmic accident, that we are here and then we die...pointless...meaningless. What I can already testify from my short experience with breast cancer thus far is that He is HERE. He is REAL. He speaks to us in so many ways. We just have to have our ears open to listen. And when He does, YOU KNOW THAT YOU KNOW that HE is speaking to YOU. And that YOU are LOVED. That you are a daughter of the King. Lots of love,

Kerry

MS Walk!

2009-04-26T09:24:00.009-04:00

Hello prayer warriors!

We broke out our tennis shoes and shorts! It was hot! It was fun as Brooke and I completed the 3 mile Multiple Sclerosis walk yesterday! It was such a privilege to walk with Brooke in her mother's memory. We raised some money for the cause, passed out some cards about the shirts and got lots of good information. It was so exciting to see all those people rallying around this cause and inspiring to meet some MS survivors and hear their stories. It made us think about how each person is unique with their own struggles. Each trial, each obstacle we face makes us who we are and therefore sets us up for God to use us in HIS way and in HIS time.

I can't wait for the upcoming cancer events where we can proudly wear more of our GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER shirts!

The side effects started hitting last night, some heartburn and minor stomach trouble but nothing major. I am still doing well and plugging along toward the chemo finish line!! Thanks for the continued prayer! Lots of love,

Kerry

Another Hurdle in the Chemo Race Bites the Dust!

2009-04-23T15:56:00.010-04:00

Dear Prayer Warriors,

Another chemo bites the dust! 5 down and 1 to go!

Needles, the dreaded weigh in, the chemo port and arm pricks, the chemical smell, that groggy feeling after "chemo sleep" when you wake up, that unsteadiness on your feet as you leave. I have to admit I was alittle more nervous about this treatment. I am still having some hormonal-driven anxiety,overwhelmed feelings, hot flashes and roller coster emotions. Another survivor told me she dreaded her last treatment so much she threw up. I have to admit I am tiring of all these things but they have, in a way, become a strange routine on the path to purifying myself of this cancer.

By the 5th treatment I have to say I am definately a "regular." There was a receptionist on vacation today who always raves about my God shirt and I missed her. There are smiles and hugs from people now that I count on..no I depend on each time I come. There's the scheduler who calls me "Sunshine," Kathy the chemo nurse who never misses a visit without a hug or laugh, the volunteers who bring you warm blankets and drinks, the doctor I know I can call at 2 am and she'll be there. What a difference this support network makes. Several commented today on how close I was to the "finish line," as though they were cheering me on in a chemo marathon. I was looking at a bulletin board today at the "chemo hut." It had a picture of several of the nurses and a thank you note that said simply "Chemo Hut Angels, thank you for taking care of my dad." I feel like I have lots of angels on earth at the cancer center (and around the nation) who are cheering me on to the chemo finish line.

I didn't run into any survivors today and it made me sad. I continue to pray I will run into the woman I saw shaking during my first visit at the cancer center. The only profound regret I have is that I never got her name and don't know what has happened to her. I feel like God led me to that cancer center for a reason. Each visit I look around for another woman shaking, another woman who was like me waiting for a PET scan result. Thus far I have not seen another one. I so very much want to help other women in that moment, that terrible, terrifying moment of uncertainty. It's not just about giving them a Tshirt & encouraging them...it's about praying with them, giving them a hug, giving them hope in God, THE ONE who can carry them through. For those of you who remember my post about being a pipe (giver) versus a pot (taker) I feel like a pipe about to burst, receiving so much...wanting to give, but still finding my way.

God has been so good though and he is providing the way in His time. He is answering prayers too. There is a Relay for Life event coming up on May 1. I have been given permission to sell some of our shirts there so we can earn more to give away at the cancer center. Obviously I can't buy lots of shirts upfront so I prayed about it, that God would provide if it was His will. Michelle from our Tshirt vendor, Lunabtees, has graciously offerred to give us dozens of girly cut shirts upfront to sell at the event. (Thank you sooo much Michelle!!!). What an answer to prayer! It feels like another Godincidence. There is another GOD IS BIGGER THAN CANCER shirt design in the works too with gold (the color for Juvenile cancer). What a joy it would be to reach more children!

Below is a verse that Laura recited at her Kindergarten graduation a couple years ago. It has new meaning for me now.

Hebrews 12:1-2 says "Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Did you hear that? "...For the JOY set before Him ENDURED the cross despising the SHAME." If He can do that, I certainly can handle one little round more of chemo! I can't wait to finish the chemo race! The finish line is in sight! Yahoooo!
Lots of love,

Kerry

Introducing 2 New Shirts!

2009-04-20T19:01:00.012-04:00

Hello dear friends and family!

Things are going well! I had a wonderful weekend spent with relatives, one of whom I feel like I've known forever but just met for the very first time. (Hey Marian!) What a joy that was to spend time with them!

I have my 5th chemo treatment this coming Thursday. After that there will be just one more to go!

Today I am proud to introduce to you two new shirts. One has the cross design with a slighly different phrase "God is so much bigger than ANYTHING." The idea for this shirt came from a dear friend at my coop named Tiffany. I love the shirt because God IS bigger than any trial, hardship or obstacle the world can throw at us!

The second shirt is the design above "God is so much bigger than Multiple Sclerosis." The idea for this shirt came from another dear friend named Brooke whose mother battled MS for many years.

A couple of us will be wearing the shirts in the MS Walk in Knoxville Saturday morning. My side effects usually start Saturday afternoon/evening, so please pray that they don't show up early. I am very excited that the shirts will be making a debut at this event!

Today I'd like to share with you an excerpt from a the book Live Like You were Dying by Tim Nichols and Craig Wiseman, inspired from the song by Tim McGraw. The book was given to me by a Pep Moms friend right after I was diagnosed. I love the following passage:

We're all terminal.
Some of us are just lucky enough to know it.
Life is a spiritual journey.
And sometimes all you have to do is show up
and have a little faith that something
completely amazing is possible any day.

And every now and then,
right when you least expect it,
something amazing does happen.

And you are no more in control
than a feather is of the wind.
All you know is that the force moving you is so strong
that you just hang on in wonder.

There is nothing but the moment and the sense of dancing with angels.

I'm just "hanging on in wonder" of all God is doing in my life and in so many other precious lives I see every day.
Lots of love,

Kerry

Hormones, Hormones EVERYWHERE!

2009-04-14T20:09:00.029-04:00

Yikes!!! It looks like either my meds have messed up my hormones big time or I am undergoing chemo-induced menopause. Whatever this is it has popped up quickly. I've had hot and cold flashes. Yesterday I felt absolutely fine but cried uncontrollably all day. I have had mood swings for a few weeks now.

Thank goodness a fellow survivor happened to read my last post and emailed me saying she saw it coming. I'm not used to being unable to control my emotions. It is SCARY.

I recently joined Facebook and it asks you regularly "What's on your mind..." I think the question should come with a disclaimer that "if you have messed up hormones from chemo this does not apply to you" because I have seriously almost posted some pretty dark stuff. Last night in the midst of another crying fit all I could write were the words below. I know that this is temporary and that God will carry me through it. He always does.

I've got tears I can't explain. They just keep falling.

I got a hug from a sister survivor today when I really needed it.

I got two phone calls from family at just the right moment.

I got an email from a friend that made me smile.

I've got two little girls that just look at me and wonder.

I've got a husband who made me laugh as soon as he walked in the door.

I've got a God who sees it all and gets me through it.

I've got blessings.

Lots of love,

Kerry

NOT Sweating the Small Stuff

2009-04-08T09:37:00.024-04:00

Hello dear friends and family!

I am a week out from my last treatment. I didn't have any trouble with the bone pain this time which is a blessing. I've started some stomach quesiness like I had with the last round. I am hoping it will be gone within a couple of days.

Yesterday was a hard day not only because I felt worse but because I have found myself starting to sweat the small stuff again. You know, all the little things that stress us out and give us that "overwhelmed" feeling. For me there's details of the upcoming surgery, the decision of whether or not to homeschool Laura in the fall, my messy house, weight I'm putting on, a broken dishwasher,and two surprise baby guinea pigs (that need to be given away before they produce more surprises of their own)!

I find myself trying to "destress" my life but then feel guilty about it when I do. For example, we are now using paper plates, cups, and forks, but I feel guilty every time I go off to the trash dump to dispose of it all. And yesterday there was lots of tears and drama as I managed to find a home for one baby guinea pig. It broke Laura's heart and I felt like "the worst mom ever."

After a couple days of focusing on all these things it got me wondering what it is that makes me do it. What makes me get so stressed out over little things? Why do I let them get to me? Here I am in the midst of chemo with miraculous results. Tumors shrunk to next to nothing! Here I am able to live a relatively normal life in the midst of cancer and I'm stressing over guinea pigs!!! I've just come to the conclusion that "sweating the small stuff" is human and part of my fallen nature. It is me trying to be in control. It is my human nature trying to take over the reigns of my life again. In Matthew 6: 27 Jesus said to his disciples, "Can any of you add a single hour to the length of your life by worrying?"

Sweating over the small stuff hangs over your day like a cloud and I am tried of letting it "rain on my parade." God is so, so good and I'm not going to let these things burden me down spiritually.

1 Peter 5:7 says we are to "Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you." That's what I am doing today...from the big decisions to the little agitations. I'm casting my anxieties on Him. Lots of love,

Kerry

4 Chemos Down!!

2009-04-02T20:45:00.021-04:00

Hello dear friends and family!

Today I had my 4th chemo treatment! 4 down 2 to go!!!

Once again the "Chemo Hut" was filled with laughter. I had a wonderful conversation over chemo with a breast cancer survivor and her husband. Her name was Mildred. She had been through the whole treatment (including surgeries and chemo before) and has had a reoccurance in her lung, requiring yet another surgery and chemo. We laughed about how nice it would be if the reclining chairs you sit in at chemo had built-in heat and back massagers. One nurse kept joking about starting an IV on Mildred's husband just for fun. Those nurses really have a wonderful ministry. They truly have a gift with people. I'm still learning a few names but the ones who have worked on me alot are Kathy, Beverly, Christina and Judy. My hat (or should I say my wig):) is off to all of them. They are truly a blessing to the patients they help. Each week I will see a former patient stop by for a litte reunion with the nurses. This week it was a young woman who had exciting news...she is scheduled for kidney transplant surgery next month.

Do you remember Angie who I met during my first chemo treatment who was sitting across from me with the same "Cancer Vixen" book I had? We reconnected today in the waiting room and she told me what to prepare for with the upcoming surgery. We talked about how God is already using our cancer as a blessing and how good He is.

Twice this week I have had two people tell me stories of how God has answered their prayers in miraculous ways. One was my friend Tammy whose boyfriend had left his wallet in a cab in New York City. They prayed about it and soon after it was returned to him. It took 3 honest people (the rider in the cab, the cabbie, and the doorman of the restaurant) to get the wallet back to him. A second prayer was answered for a friend of mine whose husband is being wrongfully sued. His new insurance (taken out after the incident) has miraculously agreed to cover their legal fees! It is always such an encouragement to me to hear how God answers prayer!

I had the privilege again this week also of dropping off another batch of shirts to Julie at the radiologist's office. She was so excited to get more shirts and told me about how they brought smiles to the women's faces who were newly diagnosed. That was such a blessing to me. I also dropped off another group to the Surgical Onclogist's office at UT. These were the largest batches I've dropped off yet. It is so exciting to see the ministry growing!!

In closing today I'd like to share a poem I found off the internet that I think sums up how God can ultimately carry us through any tough situation.

His ways are so mysterious
We just can’t understand
What seems to us to be so wrong
Turns out to be His plan

He wants to work His will in us
But it brings much pain sometimes
Just like the dross from gold removed
We too must be refined

Don’t cower in fear when hardships come
Just trust in Him and know
He has a plan for each of us
We’re His, He has control

One day we’ll shine like precious jewels
Because we stood the tests
Not understanding all His ways
Yet, knowing He’d do what’s best

Copyright by Sharon Elaine Carpenter
from cutechoice.com

Combatting the Why MEs

2009-03-26T19:50:00.010-04:00

Earlier this week I was sitting with some other moms at softball practice. The wind was blowing hard and I was seriously concerned that my wig might just fly off my head at that moment and pelt some poor unfortunate 7 year old softball player in the face. I had just had a doctor's appointment with my breast surgeon and had spent the day focused on what my upcoming surgery was going to be like. I was watching these other moms talking and laughing and I had a tinge of jealousy. Why? Because their life right now was "normal." In the midst of it all I began having a few "WHY MEs." Why did this have to happen to me? Why did cancer have to come and disrupt my life? Why...why...why...

I've been through the genetic testing and there's no known genetic reason for my cancer. I've analyzed my lifestyle before my diagnosis. Did I eat all the wrong things? Did I not exercise enough? Should I have worn gloves when I cleaned the house? Did I get myself exposed to some sort of chemical? I've been over all these questions in my head a hundred times. Alot of people have offerred advice on what I could do better and I appreciate it. It's true we can all reduce our chances by making good choices but the ultimate reality is cancer is something you cannot completely avoid or completely control no matter how healthy your lifestyle. I have yet to meet a chain-smoking, obese, alcoholic breast cancer patient. All the ones I have met are active, vibrant, "healthy." I keep listening to all the advice though because deep down I really wish someone could just tell me why...why I have cancer.

In my heart I know I will never have the answer. I know many of you out there are going through hard experiences, many so much harder than mine. I'm sure you are wondering "Why me" in your situation as well, whatever it may be. If you dwell on the "WHY MEs" I have learned it will drive you crazy. All you can do is focus on the knowledge that God has a divine purpose for your life and try to turn something awful into something good.

When I was having the "WHY MEs" earlier today, I had a picture come into my mind of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane. How he must have gone through those same emotions and oh how much BIGGER was His burden than mine! Jesus never promised that life as a Christian would be easy. In fact he promised the exact opposite. Matthew 16:24 says "Jesus said to His disciples, 'If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.'" That is so hard to do. Do you ever find yourself wanting to say "Why can't it be easy Lord...why does it have to be so hard?" I find myself saying that all the time. But Jesus also said in Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (NIV)
So whenever I am feeling a "WHY ME" coming, I am going to close my eyes and picture Jesus in that garden and I am going to make a choice. I am going to choose to rest in Him. Lots of love,

Kerry

We Painted the Town PINK!

2009-03-22T21:01:00.009-04:00

Hello!

I just got back from sister's weekend with Shannon and Mitzi and what a wonderful time we had!! We did our best to boost the sagging economy by eating and shopping, eating and shopping. (The things we do to support our country!)

Yes that is the three of us in our flashing neon pink breast cancer pins that Shannon and I picked up at the Expo. (I am sorry to say the picture does not do their flashiness & their bling justice).

Mitzi's husband John and my nephews were hiking the Appalachian trail in the freezing cold while we hiked the malls this past weekend. I told her on the boy's next expedition they could take one of our pins along in case of an emergency. They could hold it up at night as an SOS for the rescue helicopters to find them (not that the Busic boys would ever need rescuing mind you!)

Thanks to Randy, Dennis, John, Brooke, Gramsy & Pops and Nana & Papaw for watching the kids so we could go. Roanoke is definately a little "pinker" than it was before!

I continue to do well. The only difference between this go round and the last is a little nausea. After talking to my doctor I tried dropping one of my nausa meds (a steroid) and it came back to haunt me. I went back on it but have been left the last several days with a quesiness that brings back memories of morning sickness. The metal taste in my mouth is more pronounced this time around too but that is all. None of it has seemed to slow me down.

The shirt orders continue to come in well. Race for the Cure events are coming up and I plan on looking into those. How cool will it be to have a group of us walking together in our shirts! I can't wait! I will have more details soon! Thanks for your continued prayer and support. Lots of love,

Kerry

I Got a Hug From Robin Roberts!! Godincidences Galore!!

2009-03-14T17:51:00.015-04:00

Hello Prayer Warriors!

Your prayers worked! I made it to the Women's Expo and if I had to sum it up in one word I would say INCREDIBLE!

It wasn't easy getting to the expo. Thanks to some very special friends and family members I made it. My wonderful husband Randy drove all over town Friday trying to find Robin's book which was a noble (and not so easy) quest. Along with me I took some GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN CANCER shirts that traded hands four times Friday afternoon before ultimately geting to me. (Thank you to the couriers Melony, Melissa, Felicia & Shannon).

When my sister Shannon and I set out it was cold and rainy. Several parking lots (which charged fees) were full but a free one right across the convention center was empty. We grabbed our spot (quite proud of ourselves) and ran through the rain inside.

No sooner did Shannon and I get out of the rain into the convention center than we ran into Angela. She is the breast cancer survivor I met a couple weeks ago. I had given her one of our shirts just after she finished an MRI to see if her cancer had reoccurred. She said that the cancer has come back and she is having a bilateral mastectomy on Tuesday. We shared some hugs and told her we'd be praying for her. Her smile and positive attitude were as strong as ever.

Inside we looked around the expo. We bought ourselves some flashing breast cancer pins for a $5 donation to the cause. (We brought one home for you Mitzi. It is so flashy I promise we will never loose sight of each other over sister's weekend).

At 12:30 pm Robin Roberts took the stage. We got there early but by that time all the seats were taken. We stood way in the back but fortunately they had two large screens on either side of the stage so we could see her. Robin's speech was inspirational and very down to earth as well. She talked about how her parents brought her up with to follow the three D's: Determination, Dedication and "D" Lord. She talked about her coworker Joel Siegel (the movie reviewer's) battle with colon cancer and how, before his death, he urged others to get checked because it would have saved his life had his cancer been caught earlier. She mentioned that she found her breast cancer lump right after his funeral and talked about her whole journey through treatment. Originally she was not going to go public with her condition but her mother said she should take her MESS and make it her MESSAGE. I thought that was a powerful statement. She also said you should always put yourself in a positive position of influence to reach others and to get that message out. Everything she said was very encouraging to me because it fit right into my beliefs about God being so much bigger than cancer and being able to take something so awful and turn it into something positive.

Following the speech Shannon and I hustled over to the book signing line. There I met a 20 year cancer survivor named Charlotte and her friend Pat as well as a girl whose sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer. I gave them and others in line some of my extra shirts. As we waited we got lots of questions about the shirts and a woman from the Knoxville News Sentinel came and interviewed me. An article discusses it in today (Sunday's) local section. Here is the link. http://www.knoxnews.com/news/2009/mar/14/roberts-summitt-highlight-saturdays-women-today-ex/

We stood in line for over 45 minutes and it soon became apparent that we weren't going to make it to see Robin. We passed close to her at one point and I asked one of the women helping her to put my shirt and note for her into her personal box just to make sure she got it. 2:15 came and the book signing ended. You could hear the mumbles of disappointment from everyone around us as it looked like she was leaving. We were only about 10-15 people away from her. But you know what? As she left, she headed down towards the line. She kept shaking hands and signing books. I grabbed mine back out of my bag and she came right up to me. She graciously signed my book. I told her that the first thing my kids said about my diagnosis and loosing my hair was "You're just like Robin." She smiled and gave me a big hug. I wish I'd had a chance to get my picture with her and tell her about the shirts, but I bet she'll make the connection when she reads the note inside her own gift shirt. We were so close to missing Robin that Charlotte right behind me got her signature but her friend with her did not. Whew! That was a close one!

Remember the chemo nurse who hates ghost stories and told me that running into the same people during my treatments was not a coincidence? I ran into her and got a big hug from her too.

As we were leaving I had the pleasant surprise of running into Deborah, a wonderful survior from my church who has been a huge encouragement to me. I asked her if she'd like the last shirt I had but it wasn't her size. No sooner did we leave than we ran into two other women who wanted to know about the shirts. One of them was named Missy. She is my age exactly and dealing with advanced breast cancer in her spine and liver. She'd had a reoccurance. Pregnancy and breast feeding had masked her cancer for several months. She is an incredible lady. She had just finished her third chemo treatment with the TAC medicine just like me. We traded each other's web site information and said we'd be praying for one another. I know she's in a tougher fight and I was humbled and inspired by her spirit. I gave her my last shirt. It was just her size.

So this was my day. What do you think? Incredible right!! Thank you all so much for your prayers and all your support. My "mess" continues to grow into a fantastic "MESSAGE"! I know our GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN CANCER message got out at the Women's Expo yesterday!! Lots of love,

Kerry

Half Way Through Chemo!!!

2009-03-12T17:31:00.006-04:00

Dear Prayer Warriors,

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words the last couple of days about motherhood and raising kids. I love the analogy Shelly mentioned about parenting being a roller coster ride. It is filled with lots of "hair raising" twists and turns but I can truly say it is the most joyous blessing ever. I plan on coming back and rereading your posts whenever I have another "Calgon take me away day!"

Today was my third chemo treatment. I am now half way! Yeah!! And Guess what? You know that big ol' 6 cm + lymph node under my arm (we've affectionately called Sponge Bob)? Well it has shrunk to next to nothing!! The Oncologist and I can barely feel it. Last month it was 3 cm. What a miraculous change!! Praise God!!

Today in the chemo room I ran into Neil and his wife, Susie again. Neil is the patient struggling just get nourishment. Jello was about all he could get down and even that was tough. His wife Susie said the thrush sores in his mouth did finally go away which was a huge answer to prayer. He's back on his regular chemo but the chemo works with a particular enzyme in your body that Neil somehow lacks. It has made his progress slow. They are also traveling up from Athens, TN (about an hour 1/2drive one way) 5 days a week, and he is undergoing radiation at the same time. They are the nicest couple. She is a 5 year breast cancer survivor, so they've been through alot already. I was encouraged just to see Neil eating some crackers while I was there. Please keep praying for them.

While in the chemo room, we actually had fun telling ghost stories. I am always amazed by the laughter those chemo nurses share when they see so much sadness everyday. One nurse said she hated ghost stories and while the rest of us were sharing them, she was stomping her foot and yelling "Blah, blah, I can't hear you!!" There wasn't a cancer patient in the room who wasn't laughing. Those ladies truly have a gift for healing the heart as well as the body.

In the waiting room there was also a hospital volunteer playing music on a piano to soothe the patients. She was playing movie tunes. I am the type of person if I watch a gushy Hallmark card commercial or hear a sappy song, I can cry on the spot. One of the songs she played was from an early 1990's Robin Hood movie with Kevin Costner in it. It is not a Christian song but as I listened to the lyrics it really made me think of our relationship to God. It is "Everything I do" by Bryan Adams. For the first time I listened to it as though God was speaking to me and it made me get a little teary right there in the cancer ward.

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way

There's no love like HIS love. Cross your fingers for me about the expo and have a great weekend! Lots of love,

Kerry

Letting Go

2009-03-10T20:44:00.010-04:00

Today I attended a workshop with other female cancer patients for the "Look Good Feel Great" workshop put on by the American Cancer Society. They gave makeup tips for lost eyelashes and eyebrows and showed us how to do head wraps with scarves and fabric to cover those bald heads of ours. We received free makeup and lots of tips as well. It is a wonderful ministry. We all joked that we looked so good we needed to go out and paint the town red (or pink as I joked being a breast cancer patient). It is so encouraging to be around other women dealing with cancer who just "roll with the punches" so to speak. They just pick themselves up and carry on.

The workshop today came at a great time. This week motherhood has felt like controlled chaos to me. Do you guys remember those old commercials where the mother is pulling her hair out and yelling "Calgon take me away!" That is what I was feeling like last night. I know part of the reason I feel stressed is because sometimes I have high expectations of myself and my children. We expect our children to be exceptionally well behaved in public, to do great with their schoolwork and always listen to us. I feel like this week I've had an issue with all of those things. Laura has achievement testing next week and I know she is not taking it seriously. My children misbehaved in front of someone I know and respect this week. I was embarrassed. Being a mom is very messy (and I'm not just talking about dirty diapers). I know these things are little in the great scheme of life. I know they will pass but they can be so frustrating.

This week I am finding myself just throwing up my hands and saying "Help, Lord" because the truth is I can do everything to my fullest but there are some things I just cannot control. I am clinging to several verses one of which my nephew just wrote on the blog today Psalm 62:8, "Oh my people, trust Him all the time. Pour out your longings before Him, for He can help!"
I'm not giving up, but I am letting go, praying, and just trusting in Him... not just with the cancer but in everything else too. Lots of love,

Kerry

I've Hatched a Plan!

2009-03-09T08:48:00.006-04:00

Dear friends and family,

When I was at Carson-Newman my college roomie used to call me "plan woman." I was always planning ahead. Spontaneous was never used to describe me. Ironically planning ahead is one of the best ways I am coping with breast cancer. Taking medicines at just the right time, not driving in the afternoons when I get drowsy,taking naps. All these have helped. I am also always looking forward to something to keep my spirits up like coop, church, pep moms functions or the garden we just started in the side yard.

Well I've already hatched a plan for next weekend. The Women's Expo is taking place in Knoxville. Robin Roberts, a co-host on Good Morning America and breast cancer survivor, is going to be speaking there. When I was first diagnosed and told Laura and Leslie I would be loosing my hair the first words out of their mouths were "You're just like Robin." We had watched her own breast cancer journey unfold on Good Morning America last year.

I have heard that they are giving away tickets to breast cancer survivors for the expo. I am sure there will be a sea of ladies in pink there. I've decided to wear my shirt and give out some to any survivors who might be interested. I would like to give an extra one to Robin Roberts as well.

The only hitch is my next chemo treatment is this Thursday. Saturday is usually the day when the bone pain and other side effects start kicking in. I will be on four medications (taken 2-3 times a day each) and can't drive. My sister Shannon is going to drive me and keep me company. Please pray that I will feel well enough to attend. I think this is a great opportunity to reach out to other breast cancer patients.

Please remember two others today. The first is a relative of mine named Marian. The second is a man in my community group named Robert. Both are undergoing medical testing. Robert's is today and Marian's is tomorrow morning at 8:30 am. Please pray that these turn out well. Lots of love,

Kerry

Bearing Each Other's Burdens (or I wish I could be an Octopus!)

2009-03-07T08:54:00.007-05:00

Hello friends and family!

What a blessed couple of days I have had. I had a fantastic visit with my parents on Thursday and two days of fun and fellowship with others. I am still doing well and starting to gear up for my next treatment when I will be halfway done with chemotherapy! I am continually blessed by everyone's generosity, everything from cupcakes & food to inspirational cd's and devotional studies have come my way the last couple of days and I am so grateful. Donations, orders for the shirts and crosses continue to come in. I will give you the new numbers as soon as I get them but I am sure we have shattered the 100 goal on shirts now! Yippee!!

Today I was thinking about all the people who have come up to me recently and told me they were praying for me. Many of them are going through incredible hardships of their own: long illness, financial hardships, loss of loved ones. I am constantly humbled and blown away by these people who are asking me how I am doing when I know their situation must be so much harder.

There was a mother at coop yesterday from a single-income family whose husband has been laid off for a few weeks. I just found out about it yesterday. She has a son who asks me every week "So Ms. Kerry is that cancer gone yet?" I always makes me smile. She was saying how God had spoken to her in January to get their income tax done early and how they had felt led (personally and by their church) to really save up. As a result she said they had enough to get by for a couple of months. They are about to take a trip across the country to see if the job prospects for her husband would be better there. She just kept saying "God is so good, isn't He..He's so good." I know exactly what she means but I had to wonder how would I feel in that situation. Could I just leave my home, family & friends and just trust that God would provide? Would I have her faith in that situation?

Galations 6:2 tells us "Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." I just feel like I have a thousand arms wrapped around me all the time helping me bear my burden. My heart is heavy with all the other burdens out there too. It makes me wish I could be an Octopus! The neat things is as long as we're praying for each other it is like we all have exta arms, reaching out to & supporting each other. Have a blessed weekend. Lots of love,

Kerry

The Shawl That Made Us Smile

2009-03-04T19:40:00.013-05:00

Dear Prayer Warriors,

My daughter Leslie has reacted to my illness by becoming ultra helpful. During a recent trip to Walmart, she had to carry all three bags herself to the car. Mommy wasn't allowed to carry a thing. If there is one piece of pizza left at dinner, she wants me to have it. If I ask her to do anything, she hustles to get it done. It is very sweet.

But this morning Leslie woke up yelling for me. It turns out she had a nightmare. The nightmare was that "Mommy had died." When she told me about it it nearly broke my heart. At first I told her all the usual comforting things, "It's just a nightmare. Mommy is going to be okay." But none of these things seemed to completely convince her.

Fortunately I had a little Godincidence to share with Leslie. Many of you remember that my Dad was praying one day and had a vision of me as a Grandmother, wrapped in a shawl and reading a book to my grandchildren. A couple weeks ago a dear friend of mine at coop gave me a beautiful crocheted shawl. She told me that she had started it several weeks ago with no one in particular in mind. She just felt the right person to give it to would come to her, and after my diagnosis, she felt led to give it to me.

Today I showed the shawl to Leslie. I told her about my friend and about my dad's vision. She is upstairs right now all cuddled up in it. It is more like a blanket on her than a shawl, covering her from head to toe. The good news is she is also smiling from ear to ear. The shawl isn't the exact same color as described by my Dad but that doesn't matter a bit. It sure is a wonderful Godincidence to me (and to little Leslie). Lots of love,

Kerry

Pipes v. Pots

2009-03-02T20:13:00.011-05:00

Dear friends and family,

A funny thing started happening to me yesterday. My bald head started itching. It is yet another small side effect that seems to pop up. There are lots of them... a constant chemical smell, dry eyes, dry mouth, bloody nose, dry skin, a metallic taste in the mouth. I haven't talked about these much because in the great scheme of things they aren't that bad. They haven't disrupted my life, but they are there. Some are off and on. Some are a constant reminder that life right now is "different."

Well yesterday I received a very special care package from a King George pal with 20+ items that addresses just about every side effect I have ever had or could possibly have as well as some fun accessories like scarves and hats. The girl who sent it went to a store run by a breast cancer survivor, asked her what I needed and bought the whole list. A couple years ago this same girl went through an incredible trial of her own. I remember praying for her at the time, wanting to help in other tangible ways but not knowing what else to do. Since my diagnosis I have received so many kind gifts: breads, books, breast cancer accessories, cards, meals, phone calls and so much more, all of them so very wonderful. I am left to wonder how on earth can I possibly repay all these good deeds.

I guess the only answer to my own question would be to pass it on. Our pastor has used an illustration alot, comparing the difference between people who are like pipes and people who are like pots. Pipes receive on one end and then pass it on. They are givers. Pots receive but never give to others. They are takers.

A person in my Sunday school class whose son battled lymphoma a while back tells the story of a little girl with cancer who gave out angel pins at the treatment center. Anytime she met someone, even someone passing by her on the elevator, she would tell them about Jesus. Five years after her death there are still nurses who wear her pins faithfully on their uniforms every day in honor of her.

That little girl was a pipe. I want to be a pipe too. So many of you have given me so very much. Thank you. I can't wait to pass it on. Lots of love,

Kerry

Reminiscing

2009-03-01T15:42:00.005-05:00

Dear Prayer Warriors,

I am still doing very well. We've had a wonderful weekend topped off with a wonderful visit from Randy's parents. Our freezer is about to bust with food (thank you Nana & Mamaw) and we have surpassed the $200 mark in donations for the shirts now. I have also heard this weekend from Isabelle (the little girl at St. Jude's) mom. She sent me an email asking how I was doing. I was blessed by the kindness and thoughtfulness of it.

Today I am reminiscing a little bit. Ever since my diagnosis I have begun to look at things in the past more and more as Godincidences. I believe God puts certain people into our lives for a reason. Some are meant to teach us about life and love. Others are meant to teach us patience and help us grow. I remember at a Pep Moms meeting last year our speaker Marla Delong called some of these people "sandpaper people" because they rub us wrong sometimes, but they smooth out our own character flaws. And then of course God gave us the ultimate example of His own love for us when He designed marriage. Today I'd like to share two stories of how I believe Randy's and my being together is no accident.

When I was in college the beginning of my Sophmore year there was a one time meeting of an academic organization called Alpha Lamda Delta Phi Eta Sigma. I saw Randy for the first time at that meeting. He was sitting two rows over from me. I remembered saying to myself "He looks nice. He looks like the kind of guy who might ask me out." It was a rather strange thought at the time because I had never been asked out on a date by anyone. It was one of those fleeting impressions you get of someone when you pass them by except that it stuck with me.

Now flash forward two years to my Senior year. Let me preface the rest of the story by saying that many of you already know that we three Booth girls "can't get away with anything." It has been a running family joke for years. We all have our own examples of this but mine happened to take place when I was dating Randy. I was also dating one other guy at the time named Doug. I had been upfront with both of them about it but it still came back to haunt me.

One night Doug and I went to a see a movie. I remember quite well it was Jurassic Park. Randy was in ROTC at the time. Well guess who we ended up sitting beside during the movie. You guessed it. Half the ROTC department (including a bunch of Randy's military buddies). Once the movie ended they heckled us out the movie theater all the way through the parking lot. My date's car was in the shop and I drove. I still remember them driving by us honking and laughing. I was so embarrassed.

A few months later Randy was stationed at Fort Knox, KY. One weekend I was at my parent's house and the doorbell rang. Doug was on the doorstep holding a bunch of flowers. Only they weren't from him. Randy had decided to send me flowers and called FTD, one of those national flower numbers. Doug's parents owned a flower shop in Strawberry Plains, about 40 minutes away on the other side of Knoxville. Even though there were about 50 flower shops closer to my parent's house, FTD chose that one to deliver the flowers. Randy had no idea, but the odds you see were in his favor all along.

Isn't that amazing! If any of you have any similar stories of how God has put someone in your life in an amazing way, I would love for you to share them on the blog. Please continue to pray for Isabelle and her family as well. Lots of love,

Kerry

Girls Having Fun & Wiggin' It!

2009-02-27T15:34:00.006-05:00

We are starting the weekend off on a great note. We have had another blessed day. The girls received a special gift today from two friends named Andrea and Sarah at coop...their very own wigs. Now when Mommy puts on her wig Laura and Leslie can wear theirs as well, although I'm jealous because their wigs are alot more colorful than mine!

I am also happy to report that we have had some beautiful crosses and pendants donated by a very talented glass artist named Shelly Maxfield in Texas. We are using the money from the purchase of those (as well as money from a bake sale & other donations) towards the purchase of more shirts! So far we have raised $184! That's a lot of shirts! We are up to 79 shirts now total, so close to our original 100 goal! Every day I continue to get emails from people all over the country who are inspired by the T-Shirt ministry. Your continued prayer and support is making a difference! Lots of love,

Kerry

Fatigued but Fulfilled

2009-02-25T19:24:00.006-05:00

Hello all Prayer Warriors out there!

Today I woke up after a full night of rest absolutely exhausted. I have never felt so drained in my life. The thought of just getting up and making breakfast was overwhelming to me. For a moment I had a mental image of myself in a wheelchair getting chemo treatments and it really bothered me. Thank goodness Randy was able to just stay home today. After a couple of hours of rest I am feeling so much better and able to enjoy another day again.

Yesterday my Dad, Laura, Leslie and I made a visit to the radiologist's office in North Knoxville. I had the privilege of seeing Julie (the nurse who had encouraged me after my biopsy) again. What a joy it was to give her a big hug and thank her for all the comfort and compassion she had shown me and Randy on that day! I gave her about 5 shirts along with some breast cancer pins and contact information about myself and the local breast cancer support group. Julie was so excited about the shirts that she took me back into the office to show them to some of the other nurses. I also had the opportunity to give one of the shirts to an amazing woman named Angela. She has two sisters just like me and is a breast cancer survivor. Two of the sisters have already had breast cancer. She had just finished an MRI procedure to see if the cancer had returned. I was blown away by her smiles and faith in the midst of what she was going through.

Julie said she had seen alot of young women diagnosed recently with breast cancer and that the need for prayer was great. Please pray for these women and for Angela. My heart really goes out to them.

As I close today I would like to leave you with the message "Cancer is so limited." It was on the card Julie sent to me following my diagnosis.

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot rob our peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot quench the Spirit.
Cancer is so limited
-Anonymous

Godincidence Through This Blog!

2009-02-25T07:07:00.007-05:00

Dear friends and family,

Today I am just going to sit back and let you read an incredible email I received the day before yesterday from a wonderful girl named Brooke Estrada in Las Vegas. She is pictured here from the Avon Walk last year with her friend Dawn. Brooke is on the right side. The subject line of her email was "He answered my prayer with your blog!" It is so EXCITING to see how God can take something so awful as cancer, turn it around and use it for something good!

"Good Morning Kerry,

My name is Brooke Estrada from Las Vegas, Nevada and I found your blogspot while Google-ing images for a faith-based breast cancer awareness t-shirt.

I am a walker in the annual Avon Walk for Breast Cancer, Rocky Mountains and I was recently online looking for a t-shirt to possibly purchase in bulk for my friends, family and other supporters of breast cancer research and awareness.

I am also a Christian and as such, believe in the healing power of prayer. Over the years I have been walking and raising money to help support this important and necessary cause, and recently I started to wonder why I never see any t-shirts, buttons or mottos that praise our Lord, amidst the pink ribbon crowd.

When I came across your image on Google, I just had to see where this wonderfully powerful message was coming from; so I followed the image to your blogspot. I am so deeply moved by your story and just astonished at what a beautiful work God has done in your life. Your faithful, patient and joyous outlook through your ordeal is a testament to Gods amazing grace. You are truly exhibiting the fruit of the Spirit and the more I read your blogs, the more I have to lift my hands up and shout "Praise God"! For Jesus truly does save!

But Kerry, the t-shirt issue was the least of my concerns regarding My Avon Walk. I had been feeling so unmotivated; suffering from a lack of inspiration. Jesus tells us to love our neighbors as ourselves; that commandment in itself should have been all the motivation I needed. But I had been so indifferent about this cause, so disheartened; that is, until I read your blog. The light of our Lord and savior shines so brightly through you that I have been touched by it and filled with both love and hope and a new found encouragement in both my walk with God and my walk against breast cancer. I hope you do not mind, but I mention you on my personal Avon Walk page. I also include the url to your blogspot and include a picture of your terrific t-shirt in case anyone wants to purchase it in your support. Additionally, I ask those who visit my page to pray for you and others who are battling cancer as well their famillies.

Thank you for your inspiring story; it has been such a beautiful blessing from God. I will check your blog as often as I can and keep you in my prayers and prayer requests. Isn't it just wonderful how He knows exactly what we need and always provides? Praise God!"

All I can add is "Amen!" Brooke's email has been such a tremendous encouragement and blessing to me. Please pray for Brooke and her team. Her Avon walk will be June 27th & 28th in the Colorado Rockies. Pray for her continued encouragement, her ministry and for the upcoming walk. We can't wait to hear about all the wonderful things He will do through her! Lots of love to all,
Kerry

Free to Be Me!

2009-02-24T07:56:00.003-05:00

Hello dear prayer warriors!

I still seem to be humming along with minimal side effects to this go round of the chemo. The achiness from the Neulasta shot is worst at night but is actually getting better overall. I am sleeping and eating well. I even worked out yesterday and pumped a little iron. Can you believe it?

Yesterday I had a fun day with my sister Shannon. We took some pictures in our new GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER than cancer shirts, did lessons and cleaned. We spent the morning missing our other sister Mitzi when what should happen but a package arrived. It was from all her neighbors and our dear friends in King George, VA. Inside were 3 beautiful lapel pins called "The Three Sisters." Shannon called it a Godincidence because the timing was extraordinary. (Thank you all so, so much. They are already a family treasure to us and we are wearing them proudly). We then went downstairs, read the wonderful comments from the blog the last couple of days, emailed Mitzi and had ourselves a good happy cry.

Laura and Leslie seem to be adapting well to my new bald head. The only funny thing is they want it covered all the time. I think the change is a little much for them. As long as I have a hat or wig on though they are fine. I don't mind wearing something anyway. It gets a little chilly up there! Every once in a while Laura and Leslie will ask to rub my head. They think it's fun. They are sleeping at night together more. Laura seems to really need the security in that and I believe it is helping her cope. It was a habit I was trying to break before the diagnosis but am letting it slide now. Yesterday Laura and Leslie were hard at work pulling one of Leslie's loose teeth. As a result, we had a visit from the tooth fairy last night complete with a note and fairy dust. They were so excited. I've read the note to them at least twice this morning.

I feel like this go around I am free to be me. I have to take it a little easier but I am doing the things that I enjoy. I cannot tell you how much that means to me. I plan to call Julie at the radiologist's office and drop some of the cancer shirts off in the next couple of days. I was reading Hannah's prayer in I Samuel 2: 1-2 this morning and it captures some of my emotions now at being able to enjoy the day to day things of life.

Then Hannah prayed and said:
"My heart rejoices in the LORD;
in the LORD my horn is lifted high...
for I delight in your deliverance.
"There is no one holy like the LORD;
there is no one besides you;
there is no Rock like our God.

Enjoy your day to its fullest as well! Lots of love,
Kerry

Captivated by Amazing Love

2009-02-22T18:24:00.003-05:00

Dear prayer warriors,

Your prayers are working! Thus far my second round of chemo side effects have actually been a little better than the first. The doctor has prescribed me Nexium for the heartburn and it has helped tremendously. I still have the aches and pains all over from the Neulasta shot and some fatigue, but I was able to enjoy this weekend with my family. What a praise is that!

This weekend I also did quite a bit of thinking about the great irony of breast cancer. What do I mean by that? I mean how the disease itself and even the treatment of it strikes women to the core of something we value so highly (in other words)our beauty.

For example, the first two things I was told I would loose in this fight against the cancer was at least one breast and my hair. Yes the hair loss is temporary and yes I can be reconstructed but the truth of it is these are two areas in which a lot of women place their self confidence and define their beauty. Just think about it a minute. How much money do we spend on our hair...on our bras? How often do we compare ourselves to other women, wondering if we truly are "beautiful." I was guilty of it just last week comparing myself to women in the plastic surgeon's office.

Fortunately for me (even though I've spent my fair share of money on beauty products)I know that my value is not defined by my outward beauty. Just last year I participated in a Bible study with my Pep Moms group on this very subject. I believe now it was another Godincidence preparing me for my diagnosis. At the time we studied a book called Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge. The authors talk about how God made women uniquely beautiful and wired us the way we are for relationship. The book says "A woman becomes beautiful when she knows she's loved. Cut off from love, rejected, no one pursuing her, something in a woman wilts like a flower no one waters anymore." The authors then go on to say that we look to feel beautiful and loved in many places(through our appearance, our peers, our spouses,etc) but the only one who can truly make us feel beautiful and loved to our core is God. They say "If you'll open your heart to the possiblity, you'll find that God has been wooing you ever since you were a little girl" into a relationship with Him. "The story of your life is also the story of the long and passionate pursuit of your heart by the One who knows you best and loves you most."

I may have a bald head, but I am supported by the love and encouragement of my dear family and friends. I WILL loose parts of myself that I once highly valued, but I KNOW that I am held in the arms of God's Amazing, AMAZING love. What could be more beautiful than that? I hope you realize He feels the same way about you too. Lots of love,

Kerry

Bald Like Kojak

2009-02-20T18:28:00.004-05:00

Dear friends and family,

Last night Randy and I made it official and shaved my head. It was hard at first. I cried for about a half hour but I have quickly adapted. There is a silver lining too...I know that I will save lots of money on haircare products this year!

Randy's first comment was I looked beautiful, which was so very sweet. Laura's first comment was I look like a boy. So in honor of that (for those of you old enough to remember it), I struck a pose like the hero on Kojak that show from the 1970's. I'm holding a sign with his favorite line and sucker. The "Who loves you Baby" in this case is not just referring to me but to God of course who is carrying me through all of this and will carry you through any trial you may face.

Today was another blessed day. I debuted my new wig to rave reviews and I got filled with my weekly quota of hugs at coop. I also got lots of pictures of my prayer warriors there. I spent the day with my wonderful students and friends.

I stopped by the cancer center to get my Neulasta shot. It boosts my white blood cell count to boost my immunity through the chemo. While there I talked to the wife of the man I mentioned yesterday who cannot keep anything down but jello. His name is Neil. His wife is a five year cancer survivor and they are always together. It turns out he's come down with a yeast infection of the mouth called thrush, which has made even the jello hard to keep down. It is forcing him on a milder dose of chemo. I mentioned to the nurse that we keep running into each other and she said "It's no coincidence." Isn't it neat that she should say that? So please pray for Neil and for his recovery. I believe it may be another Godincidence.

I had a very sweet surprise today. Randy came home from work with his head shaved. We now have matching bald heads. Too bad the movie "the Coneheads" came out so many years ago. I do believe we could have been perfect for the parts! Thank you all so much for your continued prayer. Hope you all have a blessed weekend. Lots of love,

Kerry

Living STRONG With 2 Down, 4 To Go!

2009-02-19T16:27:00.005-05:00

Dear prayer warriors,

I especially felt you guys out there praying for me as I went for my 2nd round of chemo treatments this morning. I had several emails and phone calls that were timed just right and were such an encouragement. One verse sent to me by my wonderful mother-in-law was Phillipians 4:13. "I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me." I feel tired but strong on the inside, strong where it matters.

This morning I did some comb overs in a few places to hide my bald spots. I totally know now how men with male pattern baldness feel. I have been sleeping the last couple of nights in some chemo hats to prevent all the shedding on my pillow. I haven't washed my hair in several days because I know there won't be much left afterwards when I look in the mirror. I am ready to shave it off and Randy and I are planning on doing that either tonight or tomorrow night. He's joked about using one of those flobee vaccuum hair trimmers on me for years so I guess now is his chance. I guess there's no where to go but up after that horrible junior high perm my sisters are just now admitting was a big mistake. Maybe it's time I try out my perming skills on them. What do you say Big Sisters? Ha, Ha, Ha :)

My doctor was very encouraged by the shrinkage of my tumor and added that Sponge Bob has now shrunk to half his original size! Isn't that AWESOME?! Praise God!!!

The chemo treatments went well. I am tired but smiling inside. The nurses there are so kind and funny you can't help yourself. There was a older gentleman who told one of the nurses he came to chemo "just to see her." It was very sweet but I do believe he was flirting a little bit. Another hospital volunteer who looked to be in his 70's kept coming up to me, bringing me warm blankets and ice cream. You'd be surprised by all the smiling and laughing that goes on there. It is heartwarming. There is sadness too though. Like the man who can't keep any food down but Jello. Or the woman my age who had to be brought in on a wheelchair. They say the fatigue builds with each treatment. I am planning on walking to each of my treatments.

The past few years I've seen many of those yellow bracelets that say "Live Strong." Today I feel like I am doing that. Another verse also comes to my mind Joshua 1:9"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged for your Lord God will be with you wherever you go."(NIV) He was with me in that chemo room today and he's with you wherever you are. So LIVE STRONG!! Lots of love,

Kerry

Balding AND Beautiful with ATTITUDE!

2009-02-18T07:49:00.005-05:00

Dear friends and family,

Today is a new day. I am feeling much better than yesterday morning. All of you have lifted my spirits. You are all so beautiful. It showed with every comment you typed out for me yesterday and all that you shared. It showed with every word you spoke in prayer.

Over the last couple days I have begun meeting survivors. I have met two thus far, one at my church and one yesterday. I cannot begin to tell you what an encouragement they have been to me. The fantastic woman I met yesterday named Evie kept telling me over and over again I was beautiful. I didn't have to tell her where I was at or what I was feeling. She just knew. I believe meeting these survivors is another Godincidence. He has brought them into my life to help me get through and I am so thankful for it. They are so beautiful.

Today I would like to share something else from the Pep Moms Retreat a couple of weeks ago. Marla Delong our speaker included a handout about Attitude.

ATTITUDE by Chuck Swindoll

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.
Attitude to me is more important then education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do.
It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we embrace for that day! We cannot change our past...We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I respond to it. And so it is with you...we are in charge of our attitudes.

Thank you all for giving me back my ATTITUDE. I'm going to get my movie star glasses and the next time I walk into that plastic surgeon's office I will stick my chest out, hold my head high and let my true diva out! Lots of love,

Kerry

Feeling "Freaky"

2009-02-17T08:07:00.004-05:00

Today I woke up crying. I'm am starting to feel a little like a freak.

Yesterday I went to the Plastic Surgeon's office. He will be doing my reconstructive surgery after the mastectomy. His office was a very posh one in West Knoxville with a commercial constantly running for Botox in the waiting room. All the nurses and receptionists were gorgeous and Randy and I speculated that the doctor might offer a nice employee discount. I saw several women coming in and out. All of them looked absolutely beautiful and I had to wonder what they were here for...nose job, tummy tuck, face lift or what? They didn't look like they needed anything done to me. Then there was me. I'm short, "pleasantly" plump and wearing a frumpy jogging suit. Were they wondering why I was there too? Probably, but I bet they did not guess why. They probably took one look at me and figured it was liposuction or something. Isn't it sad how we all judge one another? Then I ended up looking at all these brochures showing what the incision would look like. It is a cresecnt moon shape right across the very center of the chest. They have to use skin flaps to "recreate" a nipple and then tattoo over it. Sounds weird hunh? I was physically examined (as if every doctor in Knoxville has not already examined my boobs). Then they were subsequently measured and photographed. I know it was necessary, but I felt humiliated.

I don't blame the doctor or the people there. They were great. The truth is this appointment came on a day when my hair loss was staring me in the face, literally on my robe I see it, on my shirts on my pillow, everywhere. Randy and I can joke about it, how I am "shedding." Sounds like a puppy dog, doesn't it? We've even laughed about how I should wear a fishnet as I prepare dinner just like those ladies in school cafeterias. But the truth is deep down it does hurt. I am not a vain person but I am feeling a little like a walking freak show. Most of the time I am okay with it but every once in a while it does bother me. I know the hair will grow back. I know the doctor will "reconstruct" me, but deep down I know I will never be exactly like I was.

Fortunately because I am a Christian, I know that being changed is also a good thing. I have talked to lots of survivors and you can tell their life is a wonderful testimony to God's grace and love. I want to be that sort of testimony and I feel that grace all around me. I talk to my little girls alot about being beautiful on the inside. I know that is what really counts. So "freak show" or not, I am going to try to be beautiful today in the ways that really matter. Lots of love,
Kerry

Get Those Blinders Off!

2009-02-14T17:21:00.018-05:00

Hello prayer warriors!

Today is another blessed day. I can say that even though I scratched my head yesterday and a big clump of hair came out. I know there are many more clumps to come. But its okay. Because this week I spent in the company & fellowship of beautiful people with the hint of daffodils peeking out of the earth and spring coming.

Yesterday I saw a feeble middle aged man collecting aluminum cans. These were cans flattened by cars and he was in the parking lot of a gas station collecting them. This man was so disabled, his legs so unsteady that he had to hold on to the car to keep from falling as he picked them up from the ground. You know I have never in my life seen people doing this and yesterday was the second man I’ve seen scrounging for cans in two weeks. Both were in tattered clothing. The other was an elderly gentleman at yet another gas station digging through a trashcan. I know the economy is tough right now but it really brings it home how hard some people have been hit.

It also makes me wonder why have I never seen this before? Is this some new phenomenon? Or is it because I’ve had blinders on and always missed it before. Maybe I was so caught up in my day to day rushing around that I never took the time, never had the interest in noticing this before. It reminds me of a song. “Give Me Your Eyes” by Brandon Heath. It happens to be my daughter Leslie’s favorite song on Christian radio right now. Here is an excerpt:

"All those people going somewhere. Why have I never cared. Give me your eyes for just one second. Give me your eyes so I can see. Everything that I keep missing. Give me your love for humanity. Give me your arms for the broken hearted. The ones who are far beyond my reach. Give me your heart for the ones forgotten. Give me your eyes so I can see. Lord give me your eyes...

Here's a link to the music video on God Tube:
http://www.tangle.com/view_video.php?viewkey=4f16d7a8443a9092d925

You know the day I went to the cancer center to get my PET scan results, all I could think about was myself. I was shaking in that waiting room thinking I'm going to die young. I had prepared myself for that reality. There were moments when I was at peace about it and many when I wasn't. There were probably several people around me just as scared as I was. When the doctor gave me the good news that the cancer had not spread to any vital organs again it was about me. What a bad year I was going to have..how many surgeries, how many chemo & radiation treatments.

But you know what? When I returned to that waiting room the first thing I saw was that woman shaking. I feel like in that moment the blinders came off. It literally reminds me of that image in the Bible of how the scales came off Paul's eyes after he had his encounter with Jesus on the road to Damascus. All of a sudden I began to see things that were oblivious to me one second earlier.

So are you going through life with blinders on like I was? Are you ready to pray for God to take off your blinders? Believe me, it may not be pretty, but I promise you can and will be blessed by it. Lots of love,
Kerry

Prayer Warriors

2009-02-13T20:46:00.003-05:00

Keep the shirt orders coming.. When we started this ministry, I told Kerry I had a goal to have 100 shirts made and we are almost halfway there. As of today, I have ordered 48 shirts - PTL!! Take a moment and get in front of the camera with your shirt on and email it to me (knoxhrd@yahoo.com) so I can include you in this slideshow..

Amazing Drs. Visit & Two Godincidences (YES TWO!)

2009-02-13T05:05:00.009-05:00

Hello friends and family!
Yesterday I had an INCREDIBLE trip to a doctor's office that I wanted to share. This doctor is a Radiation Oncologist who might be responsible for my radiation in the fall once I've finished chemo and surgery.

First of all let me say that neither he nor I could find my biggest nodule during the physical exam. We looked all around my biopsy scar. They say a tumor that is less than 1 cm cannot be felt. A month ago my biggest tumor was 1.3 cm and easy to feel. Yesterday we couldn't feel it which I assume means it has shrunk at least .3+ cms. Isn't that an AMAZING answer to prayer already y'all?! A real Godincidence I'd say!! PRAISE GOD!!!

The other AMAZING part of the visit yesterday was what this doctor said to me. I had been told before by another medical oncologist that I was "a perfect candidate for chemo." I remember at the time being a little irked. "Was this a compliment?" I wondered. I knew deep down how the doctor meant it and today it is now crystal clear to me. He meant that I am healthy enough for chemo, so healthy in fact that my chances of pulling through it well are very high. The doctor yesterday explained that when people have a lot of other risk factors like smoking, obesity, alcohol abuse, etc. it makes his job much harder. For example a woman who is 400 lbs on the radiation table has a breast that is harder to aim the radiation beams more precisely into because of its size. With me he can avoid hitting the heart and lungs, but not so with this other woman. To her the treatment can also, years down the line, become the danger. The doctor talked about the women who pioneered this treatment in the early 1900's. Apparently two college students started it in their dorm room way back when. Those pioneering subjects would defeat their cancer through radiation only to die 10 years later from heart attack because of the overexposure. How lucky am I, he said, that I am not one of those pioneering women. That I am healthy enough to tackle chemo and radiation. Kind of puts things into perspective, doesn't it?

The doctor also talked about the Aids epidemic he witnessed in Philadelphia in the early 1980's. He was talking about how biochemistry is so miraculous. How God has made us so well that he has given us those white blood cells that fight off the cancer and good old lymph nodes like Sponge Bob that soak it up. These Aids patients would come to his office with throat cancer one day, a month later pancreatic cancer and still a month later some other cancer because their white cells were powerless to stop the spreading cancer. I knew Aids was so very awful but this really brought home to me just how awful. So are you thankful today for those white blood cells? Boy I sure am. If you ever had any doubt that you are "beautifully and wonderfully made" here is your proof.

I started to have a little pity party asking why I was so young getting this disease. The doctor couldn't explain it but again said how lucky we are in today's society to live as long as we do. Many women 100 years ago didn't survive childbirth, let alone live long enough to get breast cancer. It is a new way to look at it, isn't it? Anyway, I am now so thankful, so thankful that all I have is breast cancer. My prognosis is good. Recently praying my Dad had a vision about me being a grandmom some day and I feel in my heart it is true. I can't wait for what lies ahead.

As I close out today, I would like to share another Godincidence. This one concerns my webmaster (and the dear friend who started this blog for me) Melony. It was her idea to send one of our GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER than cancer shirts to Isabelle (the little girl now at St Jude's with brain cancer). Here is an email I got from Melony yesterday. Maggie and Molly are Melony's daughters ages 7 and 4.

Kerry,
I have to share my God moment with you today. A few weeks ago, I went to the store and gathered a few things to send to Isabelle in a care package. As I was packing everything up, Maggie was determined to put this silly little stuffed elephant that we had left over from Molly's party in the envelope. I did everything I could to convince her to not put it in there, but she insisted....Fast forward to today.. I received a thank you note from Isabelle's mom and the one thing she talked about the most was how symbolic that elephant is at St. Judes. She said that elephants live in herds and the whole herd loves, protects and raises the baby elephants and that is what life is like there. A "herd" of different families caring for each other's children. WOW!! I was instantly in tears because I knew in that instant while I was reading that note that God had used Maggie to send them a token of love and I tried to interfere!!

Isn't that AMAZING? Who would have thought what an impact a little stuffed animal would make? But Maggie knew. A child knew. How cool is that? Have a blessed day, y'all. Lots of love,
Kerry

What a Feeling! Nodule Announcement! Tony Update!

2009-02-11T09:12:00.007-05:00

Do you guys remember that 1980's song "What a Feeling?" Yes, I love that old '80's music. Well I've been feeling like that song all day. I didn't take my nausea medicine today and I haven't needed it. The girls are well and playing upstairs and I am so thankful for that.

There seems to be a pattern to my first round of chemo. The first several days are hard with stomach trouble, coughing and heartburn. The second week I am tired but (as long as I take a nap or two during the day) I feel wonderful. I am hoping that the dose they give you in the first round is the same as they do in subsequent rounds so I can know what to expect. When I run my fingers through my hair, my scalp hurts although those little hairs are still hanging in there. It is a weird sensation. They say I will loose my hair after the second treatment.

Today I'd like to give you an update on Tony D. Alexander. Alot of you remember that I prayed with him at McDonalds the day my PET scan results came in. My Dad found out Tony's case worker and called her. She said Tony is now living at the rescue mission. He is still waiting on his disability application to go through but the case worker assured my dad that she is doing everything possible to help his case along. Please continue to pray for Tony and for that woman I met shaking in the cancer center. Every time I go back I am hopeful that I will see her again so that I can talk and pray with her. I haven't seen her yet, but I am going back on Thursday to drop off two more shirts.

Also today I have an announcement to make! We didn't have a lot of responses on the "Name my Nodules" contest, but all the entries were excellent so here is what I have decided to do. On days when I am feeling bad, I will call Sponge Bob & those blasted nodules either the "bikini bottom bunch" or "big nodule, medium nodule and little nodule" (in honor of our friends in King George). On the days I am feeling bad, I will go with my sister Shannon's suggestion of "dead, deader, deadest and totally eradicated." I thought you guys would approve.

On another fun note, I've decided we should add some more pictures! Please take a picture of yourself. I would love to see your smiling faces! If you have one of our cancer shirts, take a picture of yourself in it and email it to Melony, my web master at knoxhrd@yahoo.com. We have already given away two shirts to others touched by cancer. One went to a little girl with brain cancer who is about the same age as my youngest Leslie. I will be dropping two more off on today at UT. If you know of someone who could use a shirt, please put it in your comments or email us. We see this ministry getting bigger and touching more lives!
To close out I thought I would share with you the note I wrote to those who will receive the shirts. Each recipient will receive the shirt along with the note and my blog address attached by a breast cancer pin. (Thanks Amy Parker for the pins by the way. We are putting them to good use!) Here is the letter:

Dear Brother or Sister In Christ,

You have just received this T shirt because you and I have something in common. Both our lives have been touched by cancer. To have cancer or to have a loved one with cancer is literally to walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death described in Psalms 23. Cancer is bigger than all of us.

But you know what? Early on in my breast cancer journey I learned that God is SO MUCH BIGGER than cancer. He can and will carry your through your own cancer journey. Just put your faith and trust in Him.

I have had many wonderful verses passed on to me. One passage kept coming from several sources, and I cling to it often. It is found in Isaiah 43: 1-2. It says:

Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will
Be with you; and through the rivers, they
Will not overwhelm you; when you walk
Through the fire you shall not be burned, and
The flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, Your Savior…”

Please know that everyone within our T shirt ministry will be praying for you. If you have a special prayer request, please let us know at www.kerryosborne.blogspot.com.

May God bless you and keep you.

Your Sister In Christ,

Kerry Osborne

Have you been spray paintin' ?

2009-02-10T15:25:00.005-05:00

Greetings from a mommy who is totally covered in spray paint!

Today I hosted a playdate with 5 kids including my own. We rounded up a bunch of shoe boxes and spray painted them for a project I am doing in my Narnia class at coop.

The reason I bring this up is because this is precisely something I would NOT have done a month ago. Many of you know that it took Randy and me two years to paint the trim on our house (and that was only finished when we finally hired somebody to do it). I cannot tell you how many times I painted in the past and Laura and Leslie wanted to help but I told them no. Painting is dirty and messy. You ruin your clothes. It is smelly. It is yucky.

And you know what? It is so much fun (if you let it be fun)! And so today I let the kids get dirty and messy and smelly and we all loved every minute of it.

Today my stomach felt so good that I drank a cola for the first time in two weeks and ate (gasp!) potato chips...a food so "forbidden" to me before. And you know I savored every minute of it.

So what's spray paintin' to you? What is that thing that you never do because you will get "messy" in someway. Is it getting on the floor and making a fool of yourself while you play with your kids? Or is it something else? My recommendation would be to do it and do it right away. Savor every minute of it. Make yourself a memory because none of us know how many of those precious moments we have left. So go out and get dirty and share on the comments what that looks like for you! Lots of love,

Kerry

Symptoms of Inner Peace

2009-02-09T07:59:00.005-05:00

Hello all! I woke up this morning feeling great! This weekend was so very precious to me. We spent the whole day yesterday as a family. This weekend Laura told Randy that she was so glad he was her dad. Those moments are so precious and it just made my heart so happy.

Yesterday Leslie never did develop a fever. This morning she was still itching a little bit but there was no visual sign of her rash at all. This afternoon she seems to have forgotten all about it. What a huge answer to prayer!!

Today I would like to share with you something I learned at the Pep Moms retreat on Saturday. Our speaker was Marla Delong, a counselor through Cedar Springs Presbyterian Church. She was absolutely fantastic and the fellowship with those other moms on Saturday was such a blessing to me. Marla had us do a couple neat exercises. One of them was to read the information below to see whether or not we had "inner peace."

Symptoms of Inner Peace
Author Unknown

* Be on the lookout for the following symptoms of inner peace:

1. A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
2. An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
3. A loss of interest in judging other people.
4. A loss of interest in judging self.
5. A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
6. A loss of conflict.
7. A loss of the ability to worry (This is a very serious symptom).
8. Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
9. Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
10. Frequent attacks of smiling.
11. An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
12. An increased susceptibility to love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it!

*Warning
If you have some of all of these symptoms, please be advised that your condition of inner peace may be so far advanced as to not be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed at your own risk!

After reading this at the retreat, I just had to smile and write on my sheet "Me to a T." But I could not have said this a month ago, especially on #4, 5, 7, 11. I'm not saying I won't ever slip back on a number or two, but I have learned that life is so precious, y'all. If you have inner peace you LIVE and LOVE every minute of it. That is my wish for every one of you out there today. Lots of love,

Kerry

The Fourth Night... a Godincidence!

2009-02-08T09:20:00.006-05:00

I know I was guilty of leaving you all hanging on Friday so here (as Paul Harvey says) is "the rest of the story"...

Just as I had the three previous nights, I woke up the fourth night at exactly 2 in the morning. This was Saturday night. Although I knew I had cancer at the biopsy Wednesday I was not "officially" diagnosed until Friday, so this was the day after I emailed all my friends and notified everyone. In other words, the amount of people praying for me had just skyrocketed in those 24 hours.

The neat thing is that the first thought I had when I woke up this time was not "where is the cancer now?" or "how far has it spread?" as I had the other nights. I woke up instead with a feeling of complete and utter peace. An inner voice immediately told me that everything was going to be alright. I felt as if I was being held by some invisible arms. I then realized that I was totally basked in moonlight. Randy was right next to me (and sleeping closest to the window). The moonlight completely enveloped me but not him. Now our window has shades that were completely drawn y'all. I am still trying to figure out how this could have happened. The shades do not cover about 1/4 of an inch of that window and from that tiny sliver all this light came through. Not once in 10 years sleeping in the same bed in the same room had I ever been basked in moonlight before. I turned over and fell right back asleep. Isn't that beautiful?

This weekend I had a wonderful conversation with a gal named Tiffany at the Pep Moms retreat about all the "conicidences" we've both experienced in our lives. She called these "Godincidences." I truly believe that fourth night being basked in moonlight was a Godincidence.

The chemo makes me feel dry from the inside out (my skin, my nose, my mouth) but generally I am doing well. I had a scare early on in the weekend and had to call the doctor at 2 am in the morning. Apparently the chemo medicine has "put my ovaries into a state of shock" and I have started bleeding. My doctor reassured me that this is "normal" and should pass in a few days. I am very blessed in my care. I have called my doctor twice during "off hours" and she's always been right there to help. It is strange though what becomes "normal" isn't it? There are foods I ate a week ago that I will not touch now because of how they will affect me.

As we begin a new week, please pray for health in my family. The doctor prescribed me iron pills to boost my immunity which is now somewhat depleted by the chemo. Leslie woke up this morning with a virus and strange rash on her back. She doesn't have a fever. The pediatrician said it may just go away. I am hoping it does. This is usually the time of year when my family gets the sickest, so I would really appreciate the prayers for our health.

I can't wait to share with you more tomorrow about the Pep Moms retreat and more "Godincidinces" that I have experienced. Have a blessed Sunday. Lots of love,

Kerry

The Only Creepy Coincidence

2009-02-06T17:25:00.005-05:00

Hello dear friends and family!

Today was another blessed day spent with my sister and friends at coop. I am looking forward to a weekend full of such fellowship with some pep moms pals and my inlaws.

After sharing with you all about my biopsy experience the other day, I thought now would be a good time to share with you the only negative "coincidence" I have experienced throughout all this. In fact it was down right creepy, all because of the source. The good coincidences I have no doubt have all come from our great Heavenly Father and His divine plan for my life.

This "creepy" experience occurred the very night of that horrible biopsy. You only have to guess what mental state I was in at that time. Even with the encouragement of Randy, my family and that special nurse I told you about named Julie, I was terrified. I knew the lymph node had been swollen since at least mid October. This was January. I knew the cancer was very aggesssive. I had only to wonder how far it had traveled...to my lungs, to my bones, to my brain, to my liver? As you can imagine, sleep that night was hard to come by but (with a little medication) I finally did fall asleep. Then at exactly 2 am that night, the phone rang. Randy and I let the answering machine pick it up. It was what most people would call a "prank call" except it was unlike any I have ever heard before. This was not a group of teenagers giggling on the other line. This was not some silly drunk. This was a grown man with a very deep voice, almost incomprehensible except for a tirade of obscenities. Although Randy did not hear this, I believe I also heard him say something about Jews. Now Randy and I are not Jewish but this gave me chills none the less. Whoever, whatever this person was immediately sank me back into my fear. For the rest of the night I lay shivering in bed. For the next three nights at exactly 2 am I woke up, let my worries consume me and became terrified and shivering. Randy would sometimes just wrap his arms around me and try to calm me down but, as you can imagine, it was not easy to do.

Although I do not know for sure, we both were deeply struck by this "prank call" and have speculated as to its source. I contemplated playing back the answering machine message to try to decipher it further but it was SO EVIL sounding I couldn't bear to do it. All I can tell you was that it felt exactly like a spiritual attack. Fortunately in the days that followed I knew I was being covered in prayer and then all of the good "coincidences" began to become so clear to me.

Later on this weekend, I will share with you what happened on the fourth night after that prank call.

Tomorrow please pray for my sister Mitzi and her family. They will be traveling home to VA. Have a blessed weekend! Lots of love,
Kerry

TGBD (Thank God for Blessed Days)

2009-02-05T20:21:00.003-05:00

Hey friends and family! Tuesday was such a great day that yesterday I got a little overconfident and didn't take my nausea medicine until my stomach started to churn. Yesterday was rough but today (with a little better planning) was terrific. I got my hair cut short like GI Jane (Look out Demi Moore) :) and picked up my new wig. I spent the day with my Mom and my sister Mitzi and thanked God for every blessed moment.

A word to the wise: if you wake up tomorrow feeling good and you get to take your kids to school, go to work, do the laundry or (yes) even get to clean the toilet, consider it a blessed day. Even though I've only had a few yucky days, I feel like Snow White now, "whistling while I work" on those days when I feel good because all those little mundane things I so appreciate now. It means that you are alive, that you are in good health and that you can LIVE every minute. Tomorrow may be TGIF but I'm TGBD (thanking God for blessed days). Lots of love,

Kerry

Biopsy

2009-02-04T07:56:00.009-05:00

Dear friends and family,

Shannon's biopsy went really well and they found ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!!! YEAH!!! Below is a post I wrote this morning. I didn't want Shannon to read it going into her biopsy and so I waited until this afternoon to post it. Thank you so much for your prayers.

Okay y'all. Grab a hanky and pull out a box of kleenexes. I hate to do this to you but I've been lying awake half the night worrying about my sister Shannon's biopsy today, and I've just had something laid on my heart that I must share with you. This is the story of my own biopsy. It isn't particularly flattering of me and is one of my "darker moments," but I believe it needs to be said especially because it shows how much God has worked on my heart in this last month.

On Thursday January 8 I went in for my mammogram and ultrasound. No sooner had the tech done the ultrasound than a Radiologist appeared. He showed me a normal mammogram with several lymph nodes that looked pea sized. My single node looked like a big old ping pong ball. He took one look at my ultrasound and announced "That enlarged lymph node was not caused by a dislocated shoulder." I expected him to add "in my opinion" or "it is unlikely" but he did no such thing. He acted certain that I had cancer. This made me mad. "Who does he think he is anyway?" I wondered. He striked me as being arrogant, unsympathetic. I really wanted to be optomistic. I thought I'd give him a chance to redeem himself and so I asked "Just so my mind doesn't run away with me, couldn't that enlarged node be caused by an infection or some other possibility?" He looked me straight in the eye and simply said "No."

I am sure he tried to soften the blow after that but the truth is I did not hear it. I only remember him saying something about doing a biopsy the following Wednesday and how a nurse would follow up with me and answer any other questions I had later in the day.

First thing I did after the biopsy was go and see my parents. Everyone had to hear about this "insensitive doctor." Before the day was out the entire Booth & Osborne clans were convinced I had run into the worst doctor ever. Randy even complained to our family doctor who calmed us by saying the Radiologist couldn't know "for sure" and that he was probably just saying the worst to "cover himself."

A few hours after the ultrasound a nurse did call. I was in the dressing room at Stein Mart. (Yes, when I got bad news I went shopping). I complained about having to wait almost a week to do the biopsy. She was very comforting and told me that most women (who were about to restart their their monthly cycle like me) have to wait 2 weeks because it messes with the results. She said the doctor was making an "exception" for me. I did not like being an exception. Through all of this I decided in my mind that CANCER WAS NOT THE PROBLEM. THE DOCTOR WAS THE PROBLEM and that is how I coped for the next week. I did not even tell friends or ask them to pray for me because I'd already decided THAT doctor was WRONG.

On January 16th, I started the day with an MRI. I can honestly say it was one of the weirdest experiences I'd ever had but I will save the details of that for another day. When I came for the biopsy, I was greeted by the nurse I had talked with on the phone. Her name was Julie and she was wonderful. She gave me a warm robe to wear. She must have offerred me a drink and snacks three or four times as she took my vital signs. She chatted with me, distracted me and calmed me down.

When the doctor came in to the biopsy room I was lying on the table. There was an ultrasound tech and student tech already there. I immediately asked him how my MRI results looked. Again he did not sugar coat anything. He said "There are enhancements on both sides but those on the left are more worrisome and suspicious." It was then that I "got it." I said "So you believe I have 'it' in the left side and in the right side I do not have 'it'." He never used the word "cancer." I never used the word "cancer" but from that moment on I (and everyone in that room) knew that I had cancer.I don't blame the doctor for being upfront with me now. I realize he wanted me to stop grasping at false hope so I could understand the reality of what I was up against and deal with it.

The biopsy really did not hurt (so please if you ever have one, take heart). They use numbing medicine. The worst part for me was spending the next 2 and 1/2 hours on that table, being poked and prodded as they took 15 tissue samples knowing the whole time I had cancer. I didn't want to "make a scene" and so I held back the tears and felt completely, utterly alone. Randy couldn't help me. My parents, my sisters couldn't help me. And you know it did not even occur to me to pray at that moment so that God could help me?

But you know He did. As soon as I left the biopsy, Julie was there again. I just let it all out. She hugged me. She told me that she could tell I was a "woman of faith" and that God would get me through it. She kept saying He would get me through it. To make myself feel better I asked her if she'd seen people alot worse off than I was. (And wasn't that a terrible and selfish thing to ask?!) She said she had and that made me feel better (again not very flattering on my part). She took me out to the waiting room where Randy was. She kept checking on us until I was able to leave and she left me assured that she was already praying for me. She called me and sent me a card a few days later. I know deep down she is still praying for me.

And so I've decided when the first round of breast cancer shirts come in, I want to take them to Julie. I'm going to attach a business card with my blog address on them using breast cancer pins and I am going to ask her to give them out to the women she meets that need them. I know she will be an angel to them just as she was to me. So are you crying yet? Can you see though what a difference God has made in my heart just in the past month? Thanks for listening. Lots of love,

Kerry

Hump Day!?

2009-02-03T06:15:00.010-05:00

Dear friends and family,

Yesterday evening was a very good one for me. I was able to stay up past 8 p.m. and tuck in the girls for the first time in a few days and the side effects seemed to be lessening. This morning I am feeling bright eyed and am hopeful that perhaps I am over the "hump" of my 1st round of chemo.

Today I'd like to share with you another "coincidence" from the past few months which again reveals how God has been working in my life through all this (and indeed before I even knew I was diagnosed).

There was a period of a few weeks last summer when I was in a funk. Laura's 1st grade Berean achievement test scores had come back "average" and for a perfectionistic homeschooling mom this was a blow to me. Everyone else I talked to said their kids did "great," and I was left to wonder what was wrong with me. I called the director at Berean who said Laura performed in line with her classmates but I still began to have a crisis of confidence. I have since retested Laura and learned some personality traits (like wanting to finish "first" and the refusal to use scrap paper in math tests) had more to do with it than me or my teaching method. Still, all of this made me down for a couple weeks last summer.

It was at this time that I went to a Summer Library series event at the Corryton Library. It was about the K9 unit at the Knoxville Police Dept. and there was a police officer there with his dog. I remember him distinctly because that officer passed away suddenly a few weeks after the program. While at the library I reconnected with a mom I had known from YMCA basketball a couple years ago. Our kids played great that day. I remember thinking to myself I should invite her to a playdate but I was too shy. She asked me first. From then on we began to exercise regularly at Corryton Church.

This other homeschooling mom lost her mother to MS and ovarian cancer a few years ago. As we worked out for the next four months (unfairly not even shedding a single pound I may add!) she began to have concerns about her health. She began to see a series of doctors and a tumor was discovered on one of her ovaries. It looked like she might have to have a hysterectomy but she was getting conflicting opinions. Over Christmas there were fears that she could have ovarian cancer. I was praying for her through all this, comparing notes on what doctors say (and don't say) and soon realized that I had a lump in my breast as well as under my shoulder. We began to have doctors appointments on the same days. She began researching the gene linking breast and ovarian cancer and it soon became clear we were coping through each individual health crisis "together."

The week after I was diagnosed with breast cancer, this dear friend underwent surgery to remove the tumor and one ovary. The tumor was benign (praise God!) and she is almost fully recovered.

Before having her kids she had worked as a surgical tech. She had witnessed chemo port surgeries, implants surgeries and other procedures that with my breast cancer diagnosis are now in my future. She's already helped me prepare for those. What's funnier is she'd even passed on some special sports bras to me when we first started exercising that are just what I'll need for my "falsies" during radiation (in between my mastectomy and reconstructive surgery).

Isn't it cool how God works in your life when you least expect it? And just think. That is just one person in my life right now. Imagine how much clearer I see each and everyone one of you now with such wonderful delight and appreciation. God is so good. He's so, so good isn't He? Lots of love,
Kerry

Announcing..Sponge Bob and the Brunettes Have It!

2009-02-01T17:00:00.005-05:00

Dear prayer warriors,

The chemo is starting to have its effect. I've been having heartburn (which is related to the nausea), fatigue and bone pain. Except for a couple of hours last night it has not slowed me down too much. I have just been forced to take it a little easier today. Please pray that the side effects do not worsen.

Now for an interesting story. On that Friday I was diagnosed, the first doctor I saw described the enlarged lymph node(s) under my arm as a big sponge that soaked up the cancer, keeping it from spreading as long as it could. I have now affectionately begun calling my big ol' lymph node(s) Sponge Bob. (No offense to the cartoon. It is silly I know but it makes me smile in spite of myself). The last two days the numbness in my arm has been better. I am hopeful that the tumors and Sponge Bob are already starting to shrink. The lymph nodes will now hereafter be referred to as Sponge Bob,so don't be surprised if you see his name pop up every so often.

In addition, I have an announcement to make on our wig color poll. Drumroll please.....
Brunette was the winning wig color and it is now on order!! It was a very close poll. If you voted for another color, don't be disappointed. Several of you suggested I should not limit myself to any one color and I am all for that. This may be the first of several wigs I will be sporting in the upcoming year. :)

Anyway, with one poll at an end, I thought it would be fun to start another. I am calling it "Name My Nodules." A quirky poll it will be but all in good fun. You see on my left breast there are actually four cancerous spots or nodules. The largest is about 1.3 cm and they collectively are about 4 cm. I come from a family where we name everything (even our cars). Yes we have had cars named everything from Fluffy, to Zippadee to Boot Scoot Boogie, and so it seems only natural to name those blasted nodules. I had thought about some possible names like "the rockettes" or "Sly and the Family Stone" but I know you clever blog watchers out there could do much better. So, please keep your comments coming!!! (They are a daily encouragement to me) and put in there your suggestions for nodule names. The funnier the better. In a few days we will have another poll going.

Thanks again for your prayers and support. God, and all of you, are being so good to me. Lots of love,

Kerry

So far Sooooo Good!!

2009-01-30T16:27:00.005-05:00

Hello dear family and friends,

Today was a very special day for me. I woke up feeling great! I have always thought things like pantyhose and mascara were plagues of female existence but I can honestly say it was a privilege that I still had eyelashes on which to put that yucky old mascara this morning. Best of all I made it back to my Funtastic Friday homeschool coop for the first time in two weeks. Yippeeee!!!! Words cannot express how much seeing those smiling faces, receiving those encouraging words and getting 50+ hugs there meant to me. Some of you may not know that I teach a literature class there on CS Lewis' The Chronicles of Narnia books. I have always wanted to write a children's book as powerful as his (and since I never arrived at that place) I decided last fall I would teach about the children's books that I love as a ministry instead. What I have learned is that teaching these books to these students has become a ministry to ME. I had expected some students to drop out of my classes once I disclosed my cancer diagnosis. I arrived yesterday with full classes and, as a result, a very full heart. Imagine having children, students in your class telling you they are praying for you and that they've told everyone they know to pray for you. What could be a more powerful blessing than that.

Right now I am on 4 medications a day to control the nausea. I also went to get a shot this afternoon at the cancer center for nausea. So far it seems to be working. On top of that I am gargling a concoction of water, baking soda and salt 3 times a day to prevent mouth sores (another of the chemo side effects).

Before I sign off I wanted to share with you two more "coincidences" I have experienced. One was funny, one AMAZING and both happened last Friday morning when I was about to go in and get those scary PET scan results.

Here's the funny one. Some of you know we have two toy collies Stradivarius and Mandolyn (Mandy). Randy plays and makes violins and we are hoping in a couple of years (BUT NOT NOW) to have a whole orchestra pit full of puppies. Well THAT FRIDAY MORNING Mandy went into her first heat. Rather than spend that morning dwelling on what those PET scan results might be we were scrambling to get her situated into her "confinement." This distraction ended up being such a blessed distraction. Can God work blessings through a dog? I'd say in this situation Mandy's little surprise was heaven sent.

The second "coincidence" of that morning was an email I received from a science teacher of my daughter Laura's. She was just sending a routine email about her class. I had just met this teacher the week prior so I hardly knew her. That morning I had an overwhelming urge to email her and another mom with a child in that class (who had been a spiritual mentor to me in Pep Moms)and ask them both to pray for me. Here's an excerpt from the science teacher's response to my email:

"Kerry,
My heart is so heavy for you right now! I understand all of your emotions, confusion, questions... I have walked on the path you are about to embark upon.

I am fighting back tears as I am typing this. My very best friend battled breast cancer for nearly 3 years. I grieve for you because of the journey that the Lord has placed before you. It is a long, hard, narrow road. Yet, the path is filled with unspeakable blessings as you will go to places that you have not yet approached in life. The precious glimpses of God gave me slivers of glory to cling to. I continued to hope, trust, and know that God was and is in control.

My mom had cancer as well. She has been in remission for over 10 years. My husband's mother also had ovarian cancer, and she departed this earth when I was pregnant with our oldest son twelve years ago. Finally, I am too, a cancer survivor. I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer soon after our youngest was born five years ago. My short-lived battle prepared me to walk the road with my best friend. Cancer is a horrible disease, and yet, I believe the worst "cancer" anyone can have is to not have Jesus. He is the one to provide the HOPE and STRENGTH to face the battle."

Coincidence? I don't think so!!! These are just two of the many AMAZING things I am seeing in this cancer diagnosis. I can't wait to share more with you.

Finally today, please pray for my sister Shannon. She just had a mammogram and there is a questionable spot that they are going to biopsy on her next Wednesday. Her lymph nodes look good (Praise God!) but she's never had a biopsy before and we would all really appreciate the prayers. Thanks for helping me "K.O." the cancer! Lots of love,

Kerry

I passed Chemo Class!!!

2009-01-29T15:07:00.005-05:00

Hello dear family and friends. I got up this morning, put on my GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER THAN CANCER shirt, a matching pink jacket, a marquesite cross, pink shoes and my "bag of optomism" given to me by friends. You homeschool coop friends who like to kid me about dressing up would have agreed that I was a pink "Fashionista" for chemo class this morning. You would have laughed at us as we hurried to the hospital to start chemo. Randy does not like to be late to ANYTHING and traffic was horrible. He said "What if we miss the first 15 minutes about something important like what to do if the chemo makes your leg falls off..." Then he said maybe we'll get lucky and they will be on "Pep Moms time." This made us both laugh (I say this with love but you Pep Moms out there know EXACTLY what I mean);)
I was actually a little disappointed in chemo class. I thought sure there would be lots of students there and I would be the teacher's pet by the end of it. The class was actually just a video shown to me and Randy going over all the various side effects of the medications. I caught Randy a couple of times trying to copy down my notes and I told him if there was a test afterwards, I was sure I'd get the better grade and he better not cheat. Fortunately there was no test and we passed chemo class with flying colors! (Easiest A I ever got)!

The chemo room itself was large with about 25 recylining chairs lining the walls of the room and IV bags dangling from the ceiling. Cancer does not discriminate. There were people there from all races and walks of life. At first I thought I was the youngest one there but then I looked over and saw a woman who I'd say was in her twenties. I believe her dad was sitting next to her. I had several people ask about my shirt. It was a big hit!!! I could see several people would read it and then just look up at me and smile. I gave the blog address to a hospital receptionist, social worker and volunteer to share with others. I sat down and began reading my copy of Cancer Vixen, got all hooked up and stayed for 3 hours to get the medication. They gave me a boxed lunch and there were individual tvs you could watch as you waited. I was about to leave when I met another breast cancer patient. She was holding her own copy of cancer vixen which we both laughed about. She said she'd been divorced and learned of her diagnosis in the same week. My heart really went out to her. But there was an immediate sisterhood. We traded emails and were both excited to learn that we'll have treatments on the same days from now on.
I want to tell you all what some of the side effects are. Not because I want you to feel sorry for me (because I don't). I just think it is important for everyone to know when you hear of someone who has cancer what they might be facing. These are just some of the side effects. Not all of these happen, but you go into it not knowing which makes it alittle scary. Here we go:
Hair loss, loss of fingernails and toenails, mouth sores, extreme fatigue, vomitting, nausea, onset of leukemia, onset of early menopause, heart toxicity, bone pain, lowered white/red blood cell count causing the greater likelihood of infection. There is even a condition which damages your tear ducts and can leave you constantly crying until an opthamalogist can put a stint into your eyes. Whew! It is a lot! There are hormone therapies and Her2Nu protein treatments some breast cancer patients can take to shrink their tumors but I was not a candidate for either of these. Chemo is a big decision but I am at peace with it. It is not HOW I will be healed but WHO will heal me that matters. Another obstacle bites the dust, y'all!! Lots of love,
Kerry

PS Don't I just look Faaaaaabulous!

T Shirt Ministry

2009-01-28T15:57:00.007-05:00

Here's the new logo that we have added for those interested in a t-shirt that is more generalized for cancer.

Many of you read in a previous post from Kerry that she knows God is So Much Bigger than cancer and she wanted a shirt to wear to the cancer center in hopes that others will be inspired to give their worries to God as well. We have found a company who has designed the shirt and will work with us to make this a ministry for others. All the proceeds will automatically be used to buy more shirts to give to other patients that Kerry will meet at the cancer center. This is the original design, but please know that if you have other things in your life this design can be altered (diabetes, heart disease, etc.). I can even have the breast cancer symbol taken out if you have others in your life that are battling cancer and you want it to be an encouragement to all.

The cost of the shirts are $20 for short sleeve or $22 for long sleeve. They are printed on a white shirt. Kerry has asked me to coordinate the ordering process for her. I have added a PayPal button on the right side of the blog. Simply choose if you want the breast cancer logo or the cancer logo and the sleeve length. Click add to cart and it will take you to PayPal. In the Special Instructions box, please include what size you are ordering. If you do not have a PayPal account, you can send an email to me at knoxhrd@yahoo.com with your order. You can mail your check to P.O. Box 22451, Knoxville, TN 37933. Once the shirts are ready, I will send out an email and set up a time/place that I can meet everyone or you can let me know if I should give your shirt to Kerry and let her arrange getting it to you if you see her or one of her family members on a regualr basis. I also realized that many of her sweet prayer warriors are from out of town. If you add $2 to your check and include your address with your size information, that will cover the cost of mailing the shirt to you.

Melony Wallace

Sisterhood in Christ

2009-01-27T08:20:00.003-05:00

Well we're finally home from the chemo port surgery! I look a little like Frankenstein. There is a tube running out of my neck into my shoulder. It doesn't hurt but feels very strange. I wasn't nervous at all and even managed to nap in the waiting area. This actually surprised even me because (except for having a couple wisdom teeth pulled years ago) I have never had surgery before like this. I even managed to find a new toy to play with there. It was like a reverse vaccuum. You could plug a hose into your hospital gown and it would blow out heat to warm you. My gown blew up like a balloon. It was hilarious but very cozy. I told Randy I want one at our house!

Today went really well but yesterday afternoon was hard. I got reminded again of my mortality. A doctor put my "specs" into a computer and showed all the different scenarios of what would happen if I went through various treatments. BEST case scenario he said that (after a year of all the chemo, surgery and radiation) I have a 70% chance of being alive without cancer in 10 years. Those odds sounds pretty good but when you are young and you've imagined yourself growing old with your husband it is sobering. I didn't even ask what the numbers would be for 20 years because I didn't want to know. The doctor said they would never look at me like a "typical" 37 year old again. This hit me hard. I know though that I am not "typical" and God has a plan for me. My life might be different that I always imagined it. It might even be shorter than I always imagined it but I am in HIS PLAN and I am not a statistic.

God sure knew what He was doing when he gave me my sisters. He knew what He was doing when he gave me my parents, and blessed me with Randy and the girls, my inlaws, my friends. I have begun to see that every person in my life was put there for a reason. There is a sisterhood and brotherhood in Christ that is SO STRONG and POWERFUL. I felt it when my church community group rallied around me on Sunday. I felt it when I went in to get the PET scan results last Friday knowing that my entire homeschool coop was praying for me at that moment. I feel it when I get emails from people who live miles away, the friends of my sisters, the friends of friends or even complete strangers who are praying for me. It is such a blessing.

Last night I got together with about 10 of my Pep Moms friends. Each gave me a verse laid on their hearts and prayed over me. They even took turns feeling my big ol' lymph node (of which I am now quite proud since it kept the cancer from spreading). Two of the moms there were breast cancer survivors and they shared their scars and their stories with us. I believe it is because of all of this (all the prayers, all the love, all the support) that I was not scared when I went into my surgery today. Bless you all for that. One hurdle down y'all!!!

My God is so BIG!

2009-01-25T20:03:00.003-05:00

Do you remember that song "My God is so big, so strong and so mighty there's nothing my God cannot do.." Leslie's class sang it in a preschool performance at Wallace Memorial a couple years ago and it has stuck with me ever since. I guess the grown up version would be "How Great is Our God." We sang it today at Corryton Church and it brought me to tears because this time it was so very REAL to me. You see this morning I woke up with a phrase burning in my brain, "The God we serve is SO MUCH BIGGER than cancer." This was from an email a dear friend of mine sent last week. Sure I've always known how big, how great God is intellectually but this week I had LIVED it. I'd lived it in all the "coincidences" I've experienced that I know now without a doubt were NOT "coincidences" but God intervening in my life.

Let me give you an example. I'm not too proud to admit that last Wednesday morning I had a panic attack. I was waiting for my bone scan results to come in. This test would show if the cancer had spread into my bones. I was short of breath, shaking uncontrollably, weak in the knees and had a claustrophobic feeling, like everything was closing in around me. Randy had been running an errand and happened to call in to check on me. I told him I needed him and he was rushing home. In the midst of all this I reached for my Bible. I just opened it at random. I didn't know what else to do. My Bible opened to Psalms 18. Here's how it starts: "I love you O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my deliverer; My God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold...the snares of death confronted me. In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice."

That was the end of that panic attack for sure! And believe me there were more, many of which were stopped by a phone call at just the right moment, an email with just the right verse or words of encouragement from family and friends. I've decided when I start my chemo treatments on Thursday, I want to wear a Tshirt that says "God is SO MUCH BIGGER than cancer." (So I guess I'd better go get busy starting one). I will share more of these "coincidences" with you over the next couple of weeks. Laura and Leslie are traveling with my sister Mitzi this week. Please pray for their safety. Lots of love,
Kerry

Finding Normal

2009-01-24T17:26:00.003-05:00

I had the best sleep last night that I have had in two weeks. Today we are trying to get our family back to "normal." The last few days Laura has had her face plastered to her Nintendo DS and it was worrying me. I believe it had become her coping mechanism. Yesterday afternoon she actually played outside. Today she is complaining about what I've picked out for her to wear and she and Leslie are bickering. For once it is actually music to my ears.

Randy and I are beginning to be a little nervous about the chemo port surgery on Tuesday next week. The lymph nodes have gotten so big they are pressing on one of my nerves and I cannot feel the back of my arm.

Randy read last week in one of the cancer books that emotion during a hardship is like a wave and I have definately found that to be true. One minute I could smile. The next I was shaking or crying uncontrollably. My sister Mitzi passed on some advice to me from a dear friend of hers who has battled brain cancer. It is a list of stages you will go through each day when coping with a hardship. These helped me a great deal last week. I know I will be referring to this list alot next year and I wanted to share it. Here it is. Every day:
1. Be thankful for what you have
2. Grieve for what you have lost
3. Do practical things
4. Find your new "normal"

I feel like today my family is embarking on our journey to "find our new normal." Every night now before bed Randy and I are holding hands and praying together, something we did not do before. I can see that in spite of all this, we are stronger and being blessed as a family. Please continue to pray for us. Lots of love,
Kerry

Praise God!!!! GoodNews!!!!

2009-01-23T15:03:00.006-05:00

My dear friends, family and prayer warriors,
I slept last night and woke up this morning terrified but with "a peace that passeth all understanding." And PRAISE GOD!!! The PET scan results showed no spread of the cancer!!! It is confined to my left breast and lymph nodes!! They cannot stage me exactly but believe I am no worse than a stge 3 A. The cancer is extremely aggressive so they are jumping on it. I am suppose to have a chemo port put into my shoulder next Tuesday and treatments will begin on Thursday. I will have 18 weeks of chemo (in 6 treatments once every 3 weeks), then surgery, then radiation.
Today began as the most TERRIFYING day of my life. I can truly tell you it turned out to be one of the most AMAZING days of my life. After meeting with the doctor I saw a woman in the UT Cancer Center waiting room. She was about 50 years old. A man was sitting next to her, perfectly calm but she had a look of pure terror on her face. Her whole body was shaking so hard I was amazed the purse in her lap did not fall on the floor (just like me an hour before). She looked into my eyes and I felt a powerful voice tell me to go speak to her. I did. I felt led to tell her she would be alright. I didn't know how or why but I knew deep down she would be alright. I held her hand. She smiled and thanked me. I wish now I had the presence of mind then to get her name and her story but I knew the Holy Spirit had told me what needed to be said. I have always considered myself bad at handling very sad or "awkward" situations. I am a relatively shy, reserved person but I tell you now I did not give any of this a second thought. I knew in my heart of hearts I was being guided all the way.
A half hour later Randy and I met my parents and daughters at McDonalds on Cumberland Ave. No sooner did we arrive than a middle aged man came and sat at our table. His name was Tony Dewayne Alexander. He began to tell Randy how he had no home, no job, no family. How he'd broken his back and just now (after years of pain and suffering) was able to walk. He talked alot about Jesus but we could all tell he was broken and burdened. We believe he had been drinking. At first we thought he was looking for some money but he didn't want that. Again I felt led to hold his hand and to pray with him. Praying out loud has never been my strong point but I knew (through the Holy Spirit I believe) exactly what to do and say. We hugged him and promised him that we would keep praying and that God would answer his prayers as He had for me that morning. We told him God had a purpose and plan for him and that we would keep praying. My dad stayed in the Mcdonalds and continued to minister to him for some time afterwards.
I have never had a day like this ever before. Isn't it AMAZING how God can use us in ways and places in which we never expect it!!!

Thank you all for your wonderful prayers, emails, and comments. They have been such a blessing to me and my entire family. My sisters have told me they were moved to tears by them all this morning. Please continue to pray. I know this year will be a hard one. Please pray that God will use me and this experience in a positive way for others. Please pray for Tony Alexander and the woman I met shaking in the cancer center.

Oh, and by the way I am taking a poll on the wig I will need to buy in the next couple of weeks. What do you guys think: blond, brunette, or red head. Let me know! LOTS OF LOVE,
Kerry

Test over but no news yet

2009-01-22T18:47:00.003-05:00

Hey dear friends & family. The test is over but I have no news yet. The people at the E TN Diagnostic Ctr were super nice. I've been pricked with needles alot this week and am tempted to punch the next person who tries to prick me but I will try to contain myself. They injected me with something radioactive and Randy has been joking that tonight he may turn the lights off and see if I glow. All kidding aside, it is hard not knowing exactly what stage I am in (other than it is at least a 3) and where else in my body this cancer might be. I hope to have results on the scan tomorrow afternoon. The comments & emails are wonderful. They are giving peace in my spirit. I've been told there are people in Alaska praying for me and two school classes who prayed for me this morning (one even in Spanish!) I am truly blessed. Lots of Love,

Kerry

PET Scan Thursday @ Noon

2009-01-21T20:01:00.001-05:00

Hey friends- talked to Kerry today and she has a full body PET scan tomorrow at 12. She is obviously very nervous and has asked to be covered in prayer....this test will tell if the cancer has spread. PLEASE pray, pray hard, for Kerry to have peace and that the results will be good. We love you Kerry!
Melissa

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